[Critique Group 1] notes from Cleora for July critique

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for DeAnna
Cleora: I love the indian names.
glass trade beads 
my iPhone said these were token money used in exchange for goods, services and slaves.
It doesn't bother me, but some in this day and time might be offended. 
Perhaps look at this and see if there is abetter way to make clear how they were being used.
Your explanation during the critique made more clear just how special there use in this case was.
Not sure what the point of the story is. 
No one really changes or grows.
Now I understand the purpose, perhaps it was clear to the others, but I didn't get it until you explained.

[comments for Leonard
imbibe - formal & humorous term meaning drink alcohol.
not sure why you used this term
I love the description. I'm anging on myself as we rocket down the slope.
palmed his way to judgement day
synistor tension suggesting the end is near
I felt the same way the first time I went down a giant slide.
and the 2nd and 3rd and 4th...

[comments for Sally
This piece is a beautiful syntiment.
I had to read it several times to figure out what it was about.
at first I thought it was 2 people.
the transition from walking along the water's edge 
and the drift wood being thrown.
I thought the birds were making the wood fly up until I read the next line.
Then, Unencumbered by wheelchair and service dog vest.
so, I thought it was talking about a past time when the man was unimpaired and the dog was not working as a service dog.
Then, finally, but after reading it carefully a couple of times, 
I think it is a man and his service dog enjoying something now they couldn't in life.
I'm not sure if you meant it to be this way or maybe there could be a way to make what's happening clear from the start.

[comments for Marsha
four daughters daughter needs an s
for some reason I first thought the sentence about your first glimpse of memory loss was saying he came back from serving in the military with a lost memory.
I read that line 5 times before realizing it was a vacation abroad with his wife.
I read through this several times. I found it a little confusing.
This paints a slightly different picture of your father than I have seen before.
the part about rescuing your ofer sister and her children and driving the get away car comes out of the blue.
It threw me off balance.
Vascular Dementia. What a horrible thing to have happen. I guess, like alzheimer's there is no treatement.