[Critique Group 1] June 19th 2019 Submission

[Deanna Noriega]

Here is the rest of the book. It is 7,415 words

 

*** *** ***

Doghouse Productions presents: School Days, a skit written by DeAnna
Quietwater Noriega

The scene opens with four dogs comfortably relaxing under a table in the
dining room at a guide dog training facility. It is the first time they have
been gathered together since being matched with the humans they are expected
to guide.

Roxy is a petite German Shepherd. 

Arthur is a larger male shepherd with black predominating. 

Milo is a lab golden cross with a golden silkiness to his fur. 

Heidi is a small black lab.

Silka appears after the opening scene and is a golden retriever. 

 

Milo lifts his head and begins the discussion:

 

Milo: "Roxy! Who did you get? I got this older lady who talks baby talk
to me!  She looks like a real softy. Bet I can wind her around my little paw
in no time!  You know as a cross, I have my golden retriever daddy's charm
and the determination of my Labrador mama! She doesn't stand a chance!"

 

Roxy: "That sounds cool Milo. But if I were you, I'd wait to work on her
until you go home and there aren't any trainers around to set her straight.
Mine is this guy with huge feet. He doesn't seem to know what to do with
them. He has already stepped on my paw twice and it's only been one
afternoon. Still, as a shepherd, I expected to get a person who requires
real talent in his guide."

 

Arthur: "That is true, either someone who needs a lot of looking after or
one who will require professionalism in his guide. I have a lawyer working
for the government--very hush-hush you understand."

 

Heidi: "Boring! I got a guy who keeps missing his mouth. Boy am I going to
clean up! Heh heh heh. Um Roxy, I don't see your litter mate Rocco."

 

Roxy: (Sigh,) "I warned him that if he kept peeing on his trainer's shoes he
wouldn't get picked in the first draft. He might make it next month if he
can learn to control his squirrel addiction. The trainer has put him in the
24 step program. Oh here comes my kennel mate Silka. I am so glad she got a
match."

 

Silka: "I made the cut! I got this chubby lady with interesting smells on
her shoes. I detected cat, horse and I think llama. That trainer with kids
and a wife who works here has one of those and I've smelled that scent on
him before. As a golden, I don't know if I will like living on a farm. There
will be all those burrs and stuff to get tangled in my pretty fur. Anyone
want to trade?  I can slip my tie-down tonight and we could see if they
notice the difference. How about it Milo?"

 

Milo: "It might be fun, but since I'm a male and you're not, I don't know
how long we could keep up the joke. But hey, it might be worth a try."

 

Arthur: "Last night, they brought in an older fellow who was coming home to
retire.  He kept me awake half the night talking about the real world.
Personally, I think it will be interesting to get on with my career. I have
walked the streets of this town so many times I could do it in my sleep.
Even going in to the city gets stale after a while.

 

Silka: "I can hardly wait! I'll miss my trainer though."

 

Roxy: "Me too, I didn't eat tonight because the thought of leaving her
behind and having to take charge of big foot all on my own seems a little
scary."

 

Heidi: "No skipping meals for me thank you. I can hardly wait to get out of
here with all these trainers watching. My ambition is to fill out the extra
folds in this oversized labby hide of mine."

 

Arthur: "Let's have a little professionalism please. As graduates from the
most Ivy-League of dog universities, we have a proud tradition to uphold
when we go forth."

 

Milo: "Sure, Sure, don't get your tail in a knot, we will uphold the dignity
thing, but what I am really looking forward to is the freedom part!"
Sleeping on beds, chewing up socks and let us not forget counter surfing
here I come!"      Oops, heads up, everyone look sharp, here comes a
trainer."

 

This peek into the under the table scene has been brought to you curtesy of
Dog-house Productions starring the Hambone Players. The names have been
changed to protect the guilty. 

 

***

Announcer:  "Dog House Productions presents---

          "Dog Club" A radio play. 

Adapted from a story written by DeAnna Quietwater Noriega.

Theme song Music by Sheila Styron

Performed by The Hambone Players.

Directed by Okay, so we don't take directions well.

((Thirty seconds of lead in music.  Fade-out. Song Lyrics:

Dog Club,

I think it's today!

Squirrel Street,

Long light.

Turning left,

Ya! that's right.

D-O-G-C-L-U-B,

Dog Club, woof!

)

 

Twenty seconds of city sounds of traffic, the click of footsteps.)

 

Narrator:  "A beautifully marked black, cream and tan German shepherd moves
along the sidewalk with the gliding motion typical of his breed.  His narrow
head held high, he flows expertly through the crowds weaving gracefully
around other pedestrians as he guides a well-dressed woman.  Toward him
comes a small black lab with a bounce in her step guiding a petite girl with
curly red hair.   A rangy golden retriever who almost prances as she guides
a tall distinguished looking    man in turn follows them.  The shepherd
makes a sharp swerve toward a restaurant door, pausing to ask with his body
movements if his lady wishes to enter the establishment." Granger's lady:
"Door inside! Good boy,"

Narrator:  "As the blind woman reaches for the door handle, the shepherd
ignores the little lab's inquiring nose sniffing at his tail. (Snuff-snuff)
The golden veers to touch noses with the lab." 

 

(The tinkle of a bell on Amanda's collar.)

 

Amanda:  "Don't bother him Buffy.  He takes his work very seriously.  He
doesn't socialize when he's guiding.  Someone is admiring me.  Mark must
have groomed me even better than usual.  I'm sure it's because of my
feathery tail.  I can't help it!  Oh, this is such fun!  It must be dog club
day and we will all have a chance to catch up with each other's lives while
the humans talk and eat!"

 

Narrator:  "The little lab wags her tail so hard she beats a constant tattoo
against the legs of the young girl she guides.  Her entire small body seems
to be vibrating with excitement."

 

Buffy:  "Amanda, what is dog club?  Is it like school?  Will there be
trainer people to make us behave or will we be able to sneak good stuff off
the floor?"

 

Amanda:  "Oh, it's not like school at all.  There will be lots of guides
there from different schools and you can maybe get a French fry or two if
you are not too obvious about it.  Now pay attention to following and do
your job little one or you'll get a leash correction!" 

 

(Murmured voices clatter of dishes the scrape of chairs fade-out.)

 

Narrator:  "The dogs and their partners walk through the restaurant,
settling at, and under, the table."

 

Granger:  "Hello Amanda, who's your little friend with the out of control
nose and tail?"

Amanda:               "This is Buffy.  She has just come from school with
her new partner Stacey.  They are going to college.  How are you Granger?" 

 

Granger:  "Just fine, now that the young one is minding her manners.  How do
you like college Buffy, and are you representing guide dogs with
professional dignity on campus?"

Buffy:  "Of course I am trying to be a very good girl, and I love it!  All
the people want to pet me and some give me stuff to eat cuz Stacey doesn't
always notice what I am doing and I look really pitiful with my big brown
eyes and everybody just melts!"

 

Granger:                "You shouldn't eat things other people give you.  It
can make you have an upset stomach and interfere with your work, especially
with all that wiggling and wagging."

 

Narrator:  "A white standard poodle joins the party under the table."

 

Chloe: "Oh lighten up cher, you were once young and a bit puppiesque
yourself, Granger, and you know labs are always hungry unlike jolie French
poodles such as moi.  Petetre, it is because they are born with skins a few
sizes too large and keep trying to fill them out!"

 

Granger:                "Chloe, she needs to learn self-discipline if she is
going to keep her partner safe." 

 

Narrator:  A well-padded yellow lab tries to make herself comfortable around
a table leg next to the poodle. 

 

(some lab groans here.)

 

Custard:  "That's true, but I'm sure she will learn in time, Relax, Granger.
Doesn't it feel nice to be all snuggled up here under the table 

with so many good friends.  Hi, Buffy.  I'm Custard, I've been guiding my
gentleman for nearly ten years now.  Here comes Rocky.  Don't get nervous,
he's a Doberman, but a really nice guy just the same.  I think I'll just
rest my snout on his flank steak for a while."

 

Buffy:  "Amanda! What happened to his tail?  Did he get it cut off in a
door?"

 

Amanda:  "Some humans think certain breeds look better with their tails and
ears cropped or their fur trimmed, lord knows why."

 

Buffy:  "Is that why Stacey is always standing in that indoor rain room?
She washes off all her own great smell which is absolutely my favorite, and
then tries to disguise it  even more with funny fake flower ones.  Why would
anyone want to stand in the rain on purpose?"

 

Rocky:  "You couldn't take up any more room could you Granger?  I don't mind
snuggling Custard, but shepherds don't make such good pillows as labs.  You
would think I could get a little respect being a Doberman."

 

Chloe:  "He can't help it.  It's his German backbone.  I think it comes with
one of those stickers that say: don't bend, spindle or mutilate."

 

Granger:  "I am simply lying still and doing my job unlike some others under
this table. Who's that?  What is he doing?  Oh, it's just the waiter! For a
moment I thought someone was trying to invade the flock!" "

 

Buffy:  "Rocky, Don't you feel sad not having a tail to wag?"

 

Rocky:  "It's not so bad kiddo, it happened a long time ago when I was a
pup.  I hardly notice it anymore and it can be pretty convenient when clumsy
types board buses and commuter trains with us.  With me being a 

Doberman and with so many people afraid I'll bite them, it's a good thing
because they don't have to worry about stepping on what isn't there."

 

Chloe:  "Rocky, where's Sophia?"

 

Rocky:  Sophia won't be coming any more.   Her arthritis got so bad she
couldn't climb the steps to get on a bus.  Her partner has found her a nice
family where she can catch up on a little R&R and doesn't have to do the
daily harness grind anymore."

 

Buffy:  "Are you sure she doesn't have to stay in a yard all day like those
poor dogs who don't get to go to school?  I don't think I'd like that at
all.  Sure it's fun to take the harness off to chase a ball and bark at cats
once in a while, but what would Stacey do without me to take care of her?"

 

Amanda:   "Oh Sophia was really old.  Her coat wasn't as silky and fluffy as
mine is and all Goldens just are, and she was tired too.  She worried her
eyes weren't as good as they should be and she might not be able to guide
her Gail safely any more.  That won't happen to you for ages.  By then maybe
Stacey will have a family with kids for you to look after. You are lucky to
be Stacey's first guide dog because she doesn't always know how to make you
mind yet.  I have to be really subtle to get around Mark, since I am his
third."

 

Rocky:  "I miss Sophia, and her Gail is already signed up to go back to
school next week.  You know, Sophia was the one who got her partner Gail and
my David together.  She had this way of diving under a chair to show Gail
where to sit.  So one day, she does her dive right under the chair I found
for David.  Gail landed in his lap and the rest is history."

 

Amanda:  "Granger, you know I've had my eye on that pretty little lady of
yours for my Mark.  Her hair matches my golden fur.  What do you think?"

 

Granger:  "Are you asking my opinion of the human match or whether your coat
and her hair go together. Mark would certainly be an improvement over that
imbecile who works with my mistress.  When he came to take her to a concert,
he tried to convince her to leave me home. As if I would trust my precious
lady to his care!  When he went to fetch her coat, I snatched my harness and
leash from the closet.  I brought them to my lady and she was so pleased,
she insisted I come.  He drives one of those little sports cars with hardly
any backseat.  So I squeezed my head and shoulders between the front bucket
seats to make sure he kept his paws to himself.  I kept an eye on him all
evening.  He is such a dummkopf he kept calling me Cujo!"

 

Rocky:  "Good job, Granger.  I would have tried to pull the same thing off,
but he probably would have been afraid I would bite him and have gotten her
to leave me behind."

 

Custard:                "Well? What's so bad about taking a little break now
and then? Life is more than getting from point A. to point B. as fast as a
squirrel can run up a tree. You know,  Why not take a little time to sniff
the roses and enjoy all the lovely sunny spots along the way."

 

Buffy:  "I do sniff as I go sometimes, but Stacey has a lot of places to get
too and is always in a hurry.  Doesn't your partner tell you to leave it and
hup-up if you walk too slow and admire the scenery? I especially hate that
leave it command cuz I think it means stop having fun." 

Chloe:  "Not Custard's partner, he walks slowly and is nearly as round and
laid back as she is, which wouldn't do at all pour moi." 

 

Rocky:  "That's why they make such a good team.  Custard knows all the
doughnut shops in town and her guy is always pleased when she finds them for
him!"

 

Custard:  "You can laugh if you like, but I bet I won't ever have to hang up
my harness because I can't keep up with his pace.  No retirement for me
thank you very much, I plan to work if you can call it that until I make it
all the way to the Rainbow Bridge.  I may go slow, but I get there and
watching out for traffic isn't much harder than keeping an eye out for
falling French fries."

 

Chloe:  "Speaking of traffic!  Oo-la-la-la-la!  I had a close call the other
day. Darling girl and moi had just started across the street when this big
truck came around the corner doing a right on red without even stopping.  Je
ne sais pas how he could have possibly not noticed me as I had just come
from the groomer's."

 

Amanda:  "Oh my silky ears! What did you do?"

 

Chloe:  Je le deteste when traffic that should be going straight changes its
mind and comes barreling at me.  It's enough to make my hair stand straight
on end!  So terrible for the coiffure, you know?  Alors, before that
eighteen-wheeler could cause any disarray with my poodle puffs or anything
plus dangereux like turning darling girl or moi into road kill, I did an
arabesque and got us back on to the curb.   Cher, I could have sat down and
cried I was so shaken.  But we didn't have time for that because we were
late for my pedicure.  Do you like this shade of pink?"

 

Amanda:  "Oh, it's lovely, but not for me with my feathery golden paws."

 

Buffy:  "Oh my goodness! What is that? I heard they were training miniature
horses to guide, but I haven't seen anything like him since I used to watch
Sesame Street with my  puppy raiser's baby sister!"

 

Amanda:  "Hush now sugar. You'll hurt his feelings.  That's Dandy, he's a
labra-doodle."

Buffy:  "A what's-a-doodle?"

 

Amanda:  "His mama was a Labrador like you and Custard, but his papa was a
poodle like Chloe."

 

Chloe:  Mon dieu, do not compare me to that, soil vows plait!"

(Heavy panting and the scrape of a chair as a latecomer joins the group.)

 

Dandy:  "Make room!  Wide load, coming through!  Hi gang!  How's it hangin'?
Oops, guess I should rephrase that since for us, it ain't hangin' any more.
How's it goin'?"

 

(Chorus of greetings from the assembled dogs.)

 

Dandy:  "You wouldn't believe my day so far!  I knew it must be dog club day
so there I am trying to get my blink moving.  He wanders around for twenty
minutes before I notice he's only wearing one shoe.  So I grab the other one
from the middle of the floor and start following him around trying to give
it to him.  No dice, he never notices that I have it in my mouth and keeps
telling me to wait and he'll take me out to park in a minute.  So finally
when I can't take the flavor another second, I shove it into his hands.  Why
do humans wear all that extra stuff anyway?  I can understand they don't
have enough fur to keep warm, but if they went out without shoes for a while
their feet would toughen up pretty quick.  Instead, they try to get us to
wear those ridiculous dog booties!"

 

Granger:  "You shouldn't call your partner such a disrespectful name."

 

Dandy:  "Easy for you to say, you've got that classy dame to look after.
Now me, I've got this clown that spends more time walking on my paws than he
does on the floor.  Don't get me wrong, I like the guy, but he really is a
basket case and needs a lot of looking after.  He gets lost walking across
the room.  I can't count the times I have had to guess where he thinks he's
going and get us there.  If I guess wrong, he gets pissed.  Doesn't he know
us dogs are dyslexic and can't read signs or minds either for that matter!"

 

Buffy:  "Hi, I'm Buffy.  We were almost late today too.  See that bulge in
Stacey's coat pocket?  That's my new ball!  We were walking to the bus and
had to go past the place where people hit lovely fuzzy balls with these
webbed paddle things and I saw it lying in the middle of the sidewalk.  I
wagged my whole rear end I was so pleased someone left it there for me and
scooped it up.  Stacey must have thought it was something to eat because she
stopped and put her hand under my face and said "out!"  I gave it to her and
she must have wanted to play because she threw it down the street.  I ran
after it and Stacey came too because she was still holding my leash.  I
didn't know she could run so fast.  I caught it on the third bounce and
Stacey said, "Dumb, dumb, dumb."  I don't think she meant me though because
she was hitting herself on the head.  She said out again and I thought we
might play some more, but she put my ball in her pocket and we hurried to
the bus-stop."

 

Dandy:  "good to meetcha kid."

 

Chloe:  "The darling girl doesn't have much of a sense of direction, but she
does know the way bien sur and takes me regularly to the salon to have my
hair and nails done and she bought me this gorgeous burgundy custom-made
harness and leash.  She seems to vraiment adore moi."

 

Dandy:  "Oh, my bozo lays on the praise, but do you think he ever thinks I
might also like a beer to unwind after a hard day?  I have to knock it off
the arm of his chair with my Kong and lap it up quick while he looks for the
paper towels!"

 

Granger:  "When my lady has a glass of wine, I feel it is my duty to be the
designated driver.  In my opinion, one of the team should remain sober."

 

Dandy:  "Well maybe, but after all I do for him, he has the nerve to get mad
when I stretch out on his bed for a nap.  If that rug in the corner is so
great, why doesn't he try sleeping there?"

 

Rocky:  "Hey, Dandy sport, did you ever think the trainer might have given
you the guy because you have what it takes to handle such a tough
assignment, unlike me the marshmellow dobie?"

 

Dandy:  "Now there's a thought!  Who would a thunk it?  Not just any dog
could guide old lard butt um, I mean my partner as easily as I do!"

 

Narrator:  Dandy has a superior self-satisfied expression on his clownish
face.  Chloe rolls her eyes and exchanges a glance with Amanda.  Granger
raises a single eyebrow."

 

Granger:  "Ahem!  Heaven preserve us, a doodle with a mission!"

 

Custard:  "My gentleman lets me sleep on his bed.  Except when -that woman
-comes over to spend the night.  When she came last time, I waited until she
was getting undressed and put my cold nose on her bare behind.  She let out
a banshee shriek and when I was sure I had her attention, I snatched up her
unmentionables and started galloping all around the apartment!  Good thing
she is even more out of shape than I am.  She came jiggling and jouncing
after me trying to catch me and yelling words I never heard before!  My
gentleman just sat on the bed laughing his head off.  When I got out of
breath, I dropped the nasty things on the floor without having torn anything
or even making them very slimy.  She didn't seem to appreciate the gesture.
She shoved them in her purse so she could get dressed faster and then
flounced out the door in a huff without even stopping to give me a treat.
My gentleman sighed and patted my place on the bed for me to come up.
Speaking of real bitches, I don't think we will be seeing that one for a
while."

 

Amanda:  Oh my, you naughty girl! Puppy ears shouldn't be hearing such
things."

 

Buffy:  "I sometimes steal Stacey's pillow off the bed."

 

Rocky:  "I love my David and my job.  What I hate is all those dogs that
haven't anything better to do than come charging at you, barking really mean
and loud As if I really cared to go into their old yards anyway."

 

Granger:  "I agree, those pit bulls in particular are crazy!  They seem to
want to pick a fight with the whole world.  It's not that I am really so
brave, but I want to bite them for upsetting my lady and find myself
unprofessionally growling back at them."

 

Rocky:  "Bad idea friend, my breed is known for their fighting ability and I
wouldn't take one of those guys on for a whole box of milk bones."

 

Dandy:  "If it's less than twenty pounds I think it should be classed a
rodent.  I grabbed a foul-mouthed Chihuahua by the scruff of his scrawny
little neck once and carried him a block then gave him a good shake before
dropping him at the down curb.  You should have seen the little bugger run
off looking for Taco Bell!"

 

Rocky:  "Ole!"

 

Custard:  "You know we've really got a good thing going here, being guides
and all. Those bullies are jealous, because they can see us out and about
everywhere, even getting to take naps under tables in fancy restaurants."

 

(a loud raspberry sound) 

 

Custard:  "Excuse me, must have been something I ate!"

 

Amanda:  "Oh lord, Custard honey, you've been helping yourself to kitty roca
from the litter box again!  Haven't you?"

 

Custard:  "Well they shouldn't leave it out buffet style if they don't want
us to snack on it."

 

Buffy:  "Stacey says my paws smell like Fritos, whatever they are.  But what
is that smell?  I, Ugh, don't think I've ever smelled anything like it
before!"

 

(Labby groans)

 

Dandy:  "Sorry guys, that's my human.  They say we should be on a regular,
consistent diet, then they eat the most awful stuff.    If that man eats any
more onion dip.."

 

Amanda:  "Maybe if I ate onion dip, people wouldn't try to distract me so
much when I am working, but I don't know if I'd like being ignored as much
as I like being admired."

 

Dandy:  "The ones I'm really a sucker for are the rug rats.  They have such
sweet sticky hands and faces. All it takes is  one of them running up
calling out goggy to me and I lose it.  People are always trying to guess
what breed I am and maybe that's it, I'm just a goggy."

 

Chloe:  "It is tres dificile to ignore admirers, especially when you are so
beautiful.  But it can bring on an horrifique headache to be the object of
so much attention."

 

Buffy:  "I love it!  I just dance and wiggle."  

 

Dandy:  "Buff, this isn't a beauty pageant.  Keep that up and your sweet
lady's gonna get out that collar with the meat tenderizers on it!"

 

Rocky:  "I don't run into that one much being a Doberman, but what really
bothers me is when parents frighten their children by saying I might bite
them.  How can they not understand that I would never have been chosen for
this line of work if I were the type to even take offense when stepped on?"

 

Granger:  "I know what you mean,  I like kids, cats, and even babies when
they are behaving themselves.  Not to change the subject, but has anyone
seen Buster lately?"

 

Rocky:  "I clocked him doing about four miles per hour on Broadway last
week.  Man that old lab can haul!  I'm surprised his partner's left arm
isn't more than twice as long as the right one."

 

Granger:  "I hear he is wearing a pinch collar these days."

 

Buffy:  "What's that? Meat tenderizer? Pinch collar?  I am scared now, and I
feel like I have to do a number one!"

 

Amanda:  "Don't fret yourself darlin, you won't need such a thing unless you
insist on dragging your partner down the street like that bull headed
Buster. What I hate is that gentle leader thing Mark whips out when all I'm
doing  is checking out pee-mail.  It sure puts a crimp in my social life!"

 

Dandy:  "I like wearing one.  I think it gives me an air of distinction, a
bit of class.  "Not"!  At least a real muzzle would command some serious
respect."

 

Rocky:  "Heads up, guys.  Looks like they're maybe ready to break up.  Nice
meeting you Buffy."

 

(Scrape of chair and sounds of the restaurant)

 

Narrator:  "Rocky rises to his feet in response to the shifting of his
partner's chair."

 

Granger:  "Give our best to Sophia if you see her,"

 

Narrator:  "When his lady leans down to extract her purse from beneath his
protective paw, Granger, stands and stretches his spine before circling to
her left side."

 

Dandy:  "Looks like we'll be here awhile, sigh, the man's ordered half the
menu, but does he share! Not a chance!  That's why I helped myself to the
stake he put in the sink to defrost for his dinner before we left the house.
Won't he be surprised when he finds nothing but the foil wrapper!  Maybe
he'll blame the cat."

 

Amanda:  "Now you just close your puppy ears Miss Buffy! Don't you go
listenin to that scamp!"

 

Dandy:  "Catch you guys later."

 

(Sounds of snores and some puppy yips.)

 

Amanda:  "Chloe, give Custard a little nuzzle, she seems to have dropped off
to sleep."

 

Buffy:  "She makes such a nice pillow; it's a shame to wake her."

 

(Tinkle of Amanda's bell and the sound of a dog shaking her coat into
order.)

 

Narrator:  "Amanda gives her silky coat a vigorous shake before moving into
guide position."

 

Buffy:  "It was nice meeting you all."

 

Dandy:  "Same here kid.  Come again.  We're a friendly bunch, and we all
stick together like wet rawhide."

 

Narrator:  "Buffy wriggles out from under Stacey's chair and looks up
adoringly at the young girl she intends to take good care of for a very long
time."  

 

Announcer:  Well that's it from radio G.D.U.I.  Tail wags from the Hambone
Players.  Tune in again for The Dog Club.  Till we meet again."

 

(Ending music.)

Happy Tails to you,

Until we meet again!

 

******

Dog On The Street

By DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

 

(thirty seconds of lead in music, fade out)

Announcer: "Dog House Productions presents---Dog On The Street! Good
evening, this is Mary Beth speaking to you from the GDUI Reception.   It has
been a tradition at GDUI meetings to go

around the room and introduce attendees.  Tonight we are going to send our
roving reporter out into the room to hear from the four legged convention
goers.  Please relax, enjoy the snacks and learn what The canine contingent
think of the convention."  

 

Roving reporter: "I'll begin with the little black lab with the case of the
wiggles just entering the room.  What is your name young lady and how are
you enjoying the convention?  Yes you in the dog suit!"

 

Buffy:  "Oh!  Sorry! I didn't know you meant me when you said K9! I'm Buffy
and this is my girl Stacey.  Last semester she took an oral interpretation
of children's literature class, so I know K. stands for kitty and I haven't
seen even one kitty let alone nine of them.  How do I like the convention?
Oh it's really hard work!  At college, people get out of my way, but here
you have to watch out for swinging sticks and nobody moves to let you get
by!  But a lot of them are wearing shorts and summer clothes, and I figured
out that if you put a cold nose on their bare legs, they jump and you can
get through.  I love the receptions, there is always some good stuff to eat
under the tables.  So if you'll excuse me, I think I see a piece of cheese
over there with my name on it!"

 

Roving Reporter:  "But Buffy, aren't you supposed to ignore food on the
floor?  Won't you get in trouble?"

 

Buffy: "I've learned that if I dive for it, Stacey

puts that horrible, nasty Gentle Leader on me,  but if I lie down like I am
being a good girl and stre-e-etch my neck

out and just sort of accidentally pick it up.  I can get it no problem!"

 

Billie Sue: "Now, honey, if you eat that stuff, you might get sick, and then
your

little bitty red headed gal will have to leave early, and that would be such
a shame cause my Bubba has taken a real shine to her.  You might not get to
visit with your

friends neither, so you just better leave that cheese alone.  Besides, it is
so bad for your waistline sugar, doncha know?"

 

Roving Reporter:  "And who are you?"  

 

Billie Sue: "My name is Billie Sue, and my fella here is Jimmy John.  But
most folks call him Bubba.   Ain't that just soooo sweeeet--Bubba and Billie
Sue, his Lil' ol' hush puppy guide!  But I'm beginning to think that maybe
my name has been changed to No damn it! my boy Bubba don't miss those times
when I get to sniffin out something interesting.  He catches me quicker 'n a
bobcat goin

after a little ol' squirrel when it comes to leash

correctin!  That surely is a right proper nuisance!"  

 

Roving Reporter: "You aren't one of the three main breeds used for guide
dogs I recognize."  

 

Billie Sue: "Oh my, now don't you go confusin me with one of them pit bulls
like some of you Yankees have been doin!!  Now I ask you?  Who could ever
mistake a sweet lil ol gal like me for something that plain ugly?  I am a
boxer from a fine old southern family."  

 

Roving Reporter: "I didn't know that boxers were used as guides."

 

Billie Sue:  "Well, dahlin' they are used when folks have those turrible

allergies or have kin folk or friends who might be allergic to dogs.

I was trained here in  Florida." 

 

Roving Reporter:  "So, Billie Sue, you should be used to all of this heat
and

humidity."

 

Billie Sue:  "I am of course, but since I have a light coat and such fine
delicate skin, I don't have the insulation from the heat that the longer
haired dogs have.  So my Bubba puts these wet neckerchief things round my
neck to keep me cool, and they look real pretty too."

 

Roving Reporter:  "Oh, very nice.  So what do you think of the convention?"

 

Billie Sue:  "Well, it is real busy.  Why everyone is just frettin

so about tryin to get somewheres in a hurry.  They are fussin at their dogs,
or

swinging those no account  canes back and forth, back and forth, and tryin
to

go here and there.  They just need to slow down an take life

easy.  The elevators ain't gona move any faster if they hurry, so they

might as well just rest a spell and sip some good cold sweet tea.  They have
to

remember that we are in the South, and we Southerners just don't go nowheres

fast lessen a revenuer is on our tails.  We do just luuv to stop and visit."


Roving Reporter: "Oh, here's a young golden retriever, now. What's your
name?"

 

Bart: "Butts, butts, butts, so many butts to sniff! Hey! Hey! Butts!"

: "Hey cool, a microphone! Yo! Babe, I'll pick you up later!" (laughing)

 

Roving Reporter: "Uh, right. And what's your name again?"

 

Bart: "I'm Bart. Who the hell are you?"

 

Roving Reporter: "Bart, what's your favorite part of the convention so far?"

 

Bart: "Getting other dogs in trouble. (laughter) My person sits up at the

front a lot and wears the headphone things so I get to look out on the

crowd. Dude, if you lay under a table and just look at them, they go crazy.

You can just stare into their little eyes and make them bark at you! Then

you lay down real quick and pretend you're asleep! It's beautiful!"

 

Roving Reporter: "I see. Anything else you'd like to say to the folks?"

 

Bart: "Eat my harness? Nah, really, conventions are cool and there are some

really hot chicks here! Peace Man!"

 

Roving Reporter: "Here's an unusual dog. You must be Molly. I've heard a lot
about you.  Tell us a

little about yourself. You're a Labra/doodle, right?"

 

Molly: "Like, Noooo, I am not. I am a Lab/Poodle Cross. Big difference."

 

Roving Reporter: "Oh really?  You are quite unique in appearance.  Could you
describe

yourself for the blind people here?"

 

Molly: "I am like a lovely Champaign cream thanks to my White Poodle father

and Yellow Lab mom. I've got long legs and an athletic build with this curly

tail up over my back, see? I have like these blush highlights that go with

my collar here, see the hot pink? Nice huh?"

 

Roving Reporter: "Very nice indeed. What do you think of the convention so
far?"

 

Molly: "Oh, it's OK. Some of these dogs and their people have like no
fashion

sense at all though. Haven't they ever heard of Doggy Gap, Eddie Bowwowers,
or Bloomingtails?  I checked out the exhibits, and they didn't even have
like J.C. Puppies or Abercrombie and Bitch, let alone Barks and Noble! I
mean like it is a major drag, but I can deal. Now the relief areas, that's a

different matter. Gross me out!"

 

Roving Reporter: "So you don't like going out there huh?"

 

Molly: "duh, as if. It beats going in the restaurant. Not by much, but like
this is supposed to be a class act hotel and they don't even provide indoor
plumbing for dogs!"

 

Roving Reporter: "Any other thoughts for our convention audience?"

 

Molly: "Yeah, like, I'm hot, I'm smart and I'm coming off the elevator! Get

the heck out of my way you lousy cane drivers!"

 

Roving Reporter:  "Here's a laid back labby boy taking a snooze.  Let's see
what he has to say. Well Hello good looking!  What's your name?" 

Waylon: (Yawn, groan) "Waylon! Whatsit to ya? I don't

see a tennis ball or any treats in your hand, so what do you want?"

 

Roving Reporter: "I was just wondering how you are enjoying the convention
and if you had any suggestions for things we could improve on for the
future?"

 

Waylon: (scratches) "Well now that you mention it, I personally think it
would be great if you could provide a grass tennis court with a few tennis
balls to

play with, maybe some of those  free treat machines, and a pool just for

the dogs.  I really hate having to put up with all those people screaming

at me when I go for a swim."

 

Roving Reporter: "Sounds to me like you would rather relax and not have to
work as a guide dog."

 

Waylon: "Now don't get me started! Guiding's okay because I get to go
everywhere and don't have to hang out at home while my Nancy goes on trips
without me, but sometimes the traffic, the crowds and all the rules can get
to the best of us. Let's just say that if you ask me, a guide dog's theme
song ought to be "Mama, don't let your puppies grow up to be guide dogs!" 

..

Roving Reporter: "Now here comes a handsome pair, a lovely golden and a
dignified shepherd.  How are you two enjoying the convention?"

 

Amanda: "Oh my lord!  I am so flusterated!  I had to keep walking past the
door and showing Mark the elevator, the water fountain and the restroom and
pretending I didn't know where he wanted to go while I waited for Granger!
I know I'm a blonde, but I just hate being stereo-typed as an air-head.  I
thought it was particularly clever to play cat's cradle with my leash when
Mark stopped to ask directions.  It took him a good five minutes to get my
front paws untangled!"

 

Granger: "My apologies Amanda, I have been working hard all day.  My lady is
running for a position on the ACB Board of Directors and she got up at five
and has kept me going to meetings and caucuses all over this hotel.  So if
you don't mind, I will just settle her here in this chair to stretch out and
rest my weary paws."

 

Amanda: "It's just that you knew I was trying to get your lady interested in
my Mark!  She's a lawyer and he's a college professor!  It's perfect!  They
are both professionals and besides, her hair matches my coat!  I wanted to
be sure to get them seated at the same table!"

 

Roving Reporter:  "I never realized that you guide dogs took an interest in
the personal lives of your handlers."

 

Granger:  "Of course we do!  My lady belongs to me!  I want her to be happy
and I want to be certain she gets only the best!  You would be surprised at
the dummkopfs I have had to run off to keep them from bothering her."

 

Custard:  "You better believe it! Hi you guys.  Can I squeeze my fella in
here at your table.  That woman is looking for him again and I have no
intentions of letting the Pillsbury dough girl evict me from my place on his
bed if I can help it.  I'm Custard, but don't quote me on the other stuff.
Let's just say we don't only keep our folks from getting turned into road
pizza, but we also take seriously our job of keeping them out of trouble 24
7.  It's a tough job but someone's got to do it!  Speaking of pizza, where's
the food?"

 

Roving Reporter: "Here comes a lovely pair of yellow labs.  We certainly
have a great turn-out of handsome dogs in attendance tonight."

 

Fowler: "Hello Miss, bet you've worked up a thirst. Now, how about  a beer?
This cash bar should be able to help us out.  I feel it's my duty as the

first gentleman's dog to see that you get treated right."

 

Roving Reporter: "Sounds like a plan to me."

 

Gretch: "Excuse me!  I'm Gretch, the   GDUI President's dog and he's Fowler
and belongs to the president's husband.  Fowluur! You may be good looking,
but you don't have any money and isn't the operative word in cash bar cash."

 

Fowler: "That's where you are wrong!  Bill put his wallet in my harness sign
pocket for safekeeping! So miss, if you just follow me, I'll get you
something to wet your whistle."

 

Roving reporter: "Lead on Fetch and Growler!  I mean Gretch and Fowler!
Maybe I'd better stick to a soft drink tonight.   This is your GDUI roving
reporter signing off and wishing you all have a lovely evening visiting with
your friends above and below the tables."

 

Announcer: "This evening's entertainment was brought to you by The Hambone
Players.  

Happy tails to you 'til we meet again!"

 

About the Author:

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega  is half Apache, and a quarter Chippewa. She is
the mother of three, two daughters and an adopted blind son.  She was the
eldest of five children in a close-knit American Indian family.  As a result
of congenital glaucoma, She became totally blind at the age of eight.  

 

            DeAnna was mainstreamed in public schools in Texas, Michigan and
California.  She completed a Bachelor's degree in Social Science and did a
year toward a Master's in Social work at California State University
Stanislaus.  While attending college, she taught independent living skills
to the blind for the California Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.
She worked as a caseworker in Santa Clara County, California before joining
the United States Peace Corps.  DeAnna and her sighted husband met while
attending college and he joined her in the Peace Corps.  They worked
together to establish a school for blind children in the independent nation
of Western Samoa.  

 

Upon her return to the U.S., DeAnna spent the next seven years at home
raising children. During this time, she became active in the American
Council of the Blind, Guide Dog Users Inc.  Taught Braille, instructed
breastfeeding mothers as a LA Leche Leader, was a friendly visitor at
nursing homes and worked as a volunteer intake clerk, at the welfare office.


DeAnna and her husband opened two Papa Murphy's Pizza franchise stores.  She
served as operations manager, doing inventory, ordering, supervising staff
and handling the cash register and phone during late afternoons and
evenings.  

 

After fourteen successful years, they sold the restaurants to move to
Colorado where their two daughters were enrolled in college.  She kept busy
working as an instructor of Braille and independent living skills with an
adult education program in Colorado Springs. She remained active in many
organizations of the visually impaired serving as an officer at local state
and national levels.  She served as a founding board member of a nonprofit
organization that opened a blind center in Colorado Springs.  She
established The Braille Books to Keep project for blind children in both
Oregon and Colorado. 

DeAnna has been a guide dog user for over 50 years and has taken an active
part in passing legislation protecting service animals. 

Her writing has appeared in magazines such as: Dialogue, 

Angels on Earth, 

The Braille Forum, Generations-Native Literature, 

The Vision Aware Blog (Visually Impaired? Now What?)

 

Anthologies: 

Behind Our Eyes,

Behind Our Eyes-  Second A Second look, 

2+4=1,

AWETHOLOGY LIGHT, My Blindness Isn't Black, Where We Read the Wind, Turning
The Clocks Forward Again,

Storm Country.

 

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