[Critique Group 1] May 2019 critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

Marcia,

The Ugly Barn Cat

Premature, Our pink skin wasn't yet covered with fur. (shouldn't this be
"our pink skins weren't yet covered in fur.")

Shortly after we moved into the laundry room, a sad lady came to stay in the
spare bedroom in the basement near us. Shortly after probably should be
followed by a description of them surviving long enough to start growing in
fur or the next part about her not wanting to touch them because of their
matted fur won't make any sense.

If you want to keep the introduction paragraph about the kittens being close
to death, you will need to change the part about wondering where her
siblings went. Either she understands death or she doesn't You will need to
choose which it is.

The next part is confusing, because you mention not wanting to touch matted
fur earlier but have it beginning to grow in on the trip. Perhaps you can
say she didn't want to touch the scrawny scabrous kittens, unwashed of their
birth fluids by a mother's tongue. That way you can keep the timeline of
finally growing in fur on the trip to Colorado.

This is a good start and I am eager to see how their bond grows and they
work together  to form a mutual support system.

 

Leonard,

Visits From Our Neighborhood Bear

When you turned on the living room lights, perhaps describe where the light
switch is in the living room. 

(act about being asleep. Perhaps change to pretense of being asleep.)

(perhaps faster than the first.) That way you aren't using trip twice in the
same sentence.

I enjoyed the flavor and pacing of this article. It fits with native
American feelings about wildlife. We were all created by the maker of all
things and showing proper respect for our brothers and sisters who share our
world is to honor the fit of life.

 

 

Cleora

Part 11

It got pretty slow working through the introductory rehash of previous
events. Perhaps have King Alermo pace crumple reports and show his
irritation and determination. Emphasize his confusion over the behavior of
his troops and his enemies. Skip the numbers, they don't add to the story.

(pausing a moment in front of the polished steal sheet on the wall) You have
the wrong spelling of the word here. It should be steel, not steal.

(rumer has it that she has run away) the correct spelling is rumor.

There is a space between Gotar and the period that should follow it. 

You have a period After King Alermo before expressed a desire to to be
monarch. 

Things seem to be moving again in the story.

 

Thanks,

DeAnna

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