[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments for May

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora –

 

Seems more like an outline than a story. Show, don’t tell.

 

First half reads like a Social studies chapter, not a story

 

Sentences too long for children (long names
)

Point of view?

 

Overuse “He” for King Almero 

 

Hadn’t/didn’t/

Passive/negative – make active

Missing Blank lines between paragraphs

 

Leonard –

 

Avoid “this” and “really”:  This was really a big black bear.  

Try:  A giant black bear
(lead with noun, not pronoun)

 

More active:  Diane, my wife, was looking him in the eye as he stood looking
back at her.

Try:  Diane, my wife, looked him in the eye as he glared back at her.

 

“down”:  stumbled down to the living room which is one story down from the
bed room area.  

Try:  stumbled from the bedroom down one story to the living room.  

 

Like pogo stick image

Like humorous tone

 

“trip”:  My second trip down the stairs went much faster than my first trip.

Try:  My second trip down the stairs went much faster than my first.

 

See a psychiatrist,sword image- enjoyed poking fun at yourself

 

Deanna –

 

More or again:  once more

Try:  once again
or again

 

Tense:  I am now matched with Enzo

Try:  I was matched with Enzo

 

Like sentiment:  We live in the now and that can be a pretty great place to
be.

 

More direct:  Enzo has already begun to teach me that we must be ready to
look forward and let the past stay in the past.

Try:  Enzo teaches me to look forward and leave the past in the past.. or
behind.

 

More direct:  a somewhat cock-eyed headset

Try:  a cock-eyed headset

 

Insert comma:  Keeno, Curt’s shepherd to begin

Try:  Keeno, Curt’s shepherd, to begin

 

“looking” 3X:  to begin franticly looking for the missing toy. He will look
on innocently as Keeno races about looking for it.

Try:  to begin a frantic search for the missing toy. He looks on innocently
as Keeno races about.

 

Use # over nine:  At age seventy,

Try:  At age 70,

 

Set up as a poem:  More than  a Dog

 

Cliché:  partners in crime

 

More direct:  can I determine when that moment has arrived to start looking
for a retirement home for my partners. 

Try:  can I determine when to start looking for a retirement home for my
partner. 

 

 

 

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