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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Seems more like an outline than a story. Show, don’t tell.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>First half reads like a Social studies chapter, not a story<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sentences too long for children (long names…)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Point of view?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Overuse “He” for King Almero <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hadn’t/didn’t/<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passive/negative – make active<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Missing Blank lines between paragraphs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “this” and “really”: <span style='color:black'>This was really a big black bear. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: A giant black bear…(lead with noun, not pronoun)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>More active: Diane, my wife, was looking him in the eye as he stood looking back at her.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Diane, my wife, looked him in the eye as he glared back at her.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“down”: <span style='color:black'>stumbled down to the living room which is one story down from the bed room area. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: stumbled from the bedroom down one story to the living room. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like pogo stick image<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like humorous tone<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“trip”: <span style='color:black'>My second trip down the stairs went much faster than my first trip.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: My second trip down the stairs went much faster than my first.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>See a psychiatrist,sword image- enjoyed poking fun at yourself<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>More or again: </span><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>once more<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: once again…or again<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Tense: </span><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>I am now matched with Enzo<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: I was matched with Enzo<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like sentiment: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>We live in the now and that can be a pretty great place to be.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Enzo has already begun to teach me that we must be ready to look forward and let the past stay in the past.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: Enzo teaches me to look forward and leave the past in the past.. or behind.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>a somewhat cock-eyed headset<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: a cock-eyed headset<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Keeno, Curt’s shepherd to begin<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: Keeno, Curt’s shepherd, to begin<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“looking” 3X: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>to begin franticly looking for the missing toy. He will look on innocently as Keeno races about looking for it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>to begin a frantic search for the missing toy. He looks on innocently as Keeno races about.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use # over nine: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>At age seventy,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Try: At age 70,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Set up as a poem: <span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>More than a Dog<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cliché: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>partners in crime</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>can I determine when that moment has arrived to start looking for a retirement home for my partners. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: can I determine when to start looking for a retirement home for my partner. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>