[Critique Group 1] Marcia's January notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

 

Prologue? It isn’t necessary if you are writing chapters for a book.

 

Delete comma:  She landed, and started walking

Try:  She landed and started walking

 

Unnecessary:  straight ahead

Try:  ahead

 

Reword “just”:  could just make out a humanoid

Try:  spied a humanoid

 

Unnecessary “around”:  looked around in their direction

Try:  looked in their direction

 

Comma and agreement:  Suddenly all chances of carrying on a conversation was
drowned out

Try:  Suddenly, any chance of carrying on a conversation was drowned out

 

Delete comma:  The beautiful crops that had been ready for harvest when they
went into the barn, now lay in ruins.

Try:  The beautiful crops that had been ready for harvest when they went
into the barn now lay in ruins.

 

Reword “looking around,” “landing”:  She hadn't flown far before she started
looking around for a place to land. “Flying is hard work,” she said as she
landed on top of a cliff, and ran a few steps forward before stopping at the
edge.

Try:  She hadn't flown far before she started tiring. “Flying is hard work,”
she said as she landed on top of a cliff, running a few steps forward before
stopping at the edge.

 

Which army?:  the army closest to them as the sun was nearing the horizon.
At last the other army started falling back

 

Leonard:

 

Don’t split “is”:  The idea of ending all wars is, by power of hindsight,
ambitious and naïve.

Try:  The idea of ending all wars, by power of hindsight, is ambitious and
naïve.

 

Reword:  I would wager that there have been uncountable numbers.

Try:  Uncountable.

 

Wrong word:  it is doubtful that wars will ever become absolute.

Try:  it is doubtful that wars will ever become obsolete.

 

Reword “way” 2X:  politics is one way that humans have to conduct warfare in
a potentially non-lethal way.  

Try:  politics is one potentially non-lethal way that humans have to conduct
warfare.  

 

Reword “their” 2X:  Other animals also have their methods to settle their
differences without resorting to killing or being killed.

Try:  Other animals also have methods to settle their differences without
resorting to killing or being killed.

 

Confusing “them” (methods?):  One of them can bow out, by yielding to their
foe’s insistence.

Try:  One of the combatants can yield to their foe’s insistence.

 

Redundant?:  peace and tranquility

 

Reword “will” and commas:  For example, my two dogs, who occasionally lie
down on a couch together in peace and tranquility will, at other times,
snarl at each other and make horrible-sounding threats to tear each others’
throats out.

Try:  For example, my two dogs occasionally will lie on a couch together in
tranquility, while at other times they will snarl and threaten to tear each
others’ throats out.

 

Delete or specify:  for whatever.  

Try: for any reason

 

Agreement:  Each dog has their own food bowl and lay claim to the immediate
territory around it.  

Try:  Each dog has their own food bowl and lays claim to the immediate
territory around it.  

 

More direct:  An important fact to realize is that most of us are at war
with ourselves.  

Try:  Most of us are at war with ourselves.  

 

More direct:  One thing I’m convinced of is that neither side

Try:  I’m convinced that neither side

 

Contradictory:  I’m convinced
probably


 

Rearrange “either get out”:  Forget about either getting other nations to
submit to our will -- or else. That never works.

Try:  Forget about getting other nations to either submit to our will -- or
else. That never works.

 

Over-riding theme? Tie it together

Cover and concluding sentences 

 

Sally:

 

Reword what are you measuring?:  I have reached an age when

Resilience against life’s storms and pain 

Is better measured in the light of day.

Try:  I have reached an age of resilience when

life’s storms and pain 

are better measured in the light of day.

 

Deanna:

 

Redundant:  German shepherd Dog

 

Separation ***?: after dog poem and before:  Griffin was nearly as timid as
was Teddy. 

 

Insert comma:  On our first trip to Washington D.C. I was

Try:  On our first trip to Washington D.C., I was

 

Simplify:  He drew the conclusion I wanted him to find something and my
suitcase containing his rug and toys was the only thing that seemed likely
to him. 

Try:  He concluded I wanted him to find my suitcase containing his rug and
toys. 

 

I don't know! 

But I've been Told!  

Getting lost can sure grow old!

Pick ‘em up and lay ‘em down.

Come on Griffin, go to town! 

 song in quotes? 

 

Insert commas:  Through fog and mist through falling snow we

Try:  Through fog and mist, through falling snow, we

 

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