[Critique Group 1] Sally's January comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's January comments:

Deanna: This is my favorite chapter so far.  The writing flows effortlessly
and seems to match the rhythm of your teamwork.  I would suggest adding a
little more about Griffin in the sections about your shop and attending
computer classes; otherwise, these seem unrelated to him.    I think you did
an excellent job of describing Griffin's personality by showing his
playfulness and his work ethic.  While both poems are good, the ending one
is exceptional; reading it really felt like dancing.  You had mentioned
cutting this submission in half.  Is there more to come?  The reader never
learns about Griffin's retirement.

Leonard: While I understand the points you are making about warfare, I think
you get off track by bringing in too many examples that have no real
relationship to the beginning theme of conflict between nations. For me,
these examples, rather than clarifying, left me muddled.  The ending about
the mice seems out of place, and the last sentence doesn't work.  You have a
good basic idea, but it gets lost.

Marcia:  I really like the sense of joy that radiates from this poem.  From
the title, I expected the poem to focus on literal first steps, but you did
a good job of expanding the concept to include many learning experiences.
Overall, this is a good job, but, as I reflect on the poem, I think it could
benefit from some revision; it is a little "wordy" and needs some tightening
up in spots.

Cleora: Like the previous few chapters, this one is much better constructe
d than chapters toward the beginning of the story.  I am wondering why no
one noticed that Sitting had followed the farm animals; it  seems to me that
some human or animal would have known she was there.  I also wonder about
the likelihood of Sitting's being able to bite someone in the foot while he
was wearing armor.  Doesn't a coat of armor actually cover the feet? I think
you did a good job of leaving the reader wondering what was going to happen
in upcoming chapters.  Sitting also seems to be getting more sure of
herself.

 

 

 

Sally's January comments:

Deanna: This is my favorite chapter so far.  The writing flows effortlessly
and seems to match the rhythm of your teamwork.  I would suggest adding a
little more about Griffin in the sections about your shop and attending
computer classes; otherwise, these seem unrelated to him.    I think you did
an excellent job of describing Griffin's personality by showing his
playfulness and his work ethic.  While both poems are good, the ending one
is exceptional; reading it really felt like dancing.  You had mentioned
cutting this submission in half.  Is there more to come?  The reader never
learns about Griffin's retirement.

Leonard: While I understand the points you are making about warfare, I think
you get off track by bringing in too many examples that have no real
relationship to the beginning theme of conflict between nations. For me,
these examples, rather than clarifying, left me muddled.  The ending about
the mice seems out of place, and the last sentence doesn't work.  You have a
good basic idea, but it gets lost.

Marcia:  I really like the sense of joy that radiates from this poem.  From
the title, I expected the poem to focus on literal first steps, but you did
a good job of expanding the concept to include many learning experiences.
Overall, this is a good job, but, as I reflect on the poem, I think it could
benefit from some revision; it is a little "wordy" and needs some tightening
up in spots.

Cleora: Like the previous few chapters, this one is much better constructe
d than chapters toward the beginning of the story.  I am wondering why no
one noticed that Sitting had followed the farm animals; it  seems to me that
some human or animal would have known she was there.  I also wonder about
the likelihood of Sitting's being able to bite someone in the foot while he
was wearing armor.  Doesn't a coat of armor actually cover the feet? I think
you did a good job of leaving the reader wondering what was going to happen
in upcoming chapters.  Sitting also seems to be getting more sure of
herself.

 

 

 

Sally's January comments:

Deanna: This is my favorite chapter so far.  The writing flows effortlessly
and seems to match the rhythm of your teamwork.  I would suggest adding a
little more about Griffin in the sections about your shop and attending
computer classes; otherwise, these seem unrelated to him.    I think you did
an excellent job of describing Griffin's personality by showing his
playfulness and his work ethic.  While both poems are good, the ending one
is exceptional; reading it really felt like dancing.  You had mentioned
cutting this submission in half.  Is there more to come?  The reader never
learns about Griffin's retirement.

Leonard: While I understand the points you are making about warfare, I think
you get off track by bringing in too many examples that have no real
relationship to the beginning theme of conflict between nations. For me,
these examples, rather than clarifying, left me muddled.  The ending about
the mice seems out of place, and the last sentence doesn't work.  You have a
good basic idea, but it gets lost.

Marcia:  I really like the sense of joy that radiates from this poem.  From
the title, I expected the poem to focus on literal first steps, but you did
a good job of expanding the concept to include many learning experiences.
Overall, this is a good job, but, as I reflect on the poem, I think it could
benefit from some revision; it is a little "wordy" and needs some tightening
up in spots.

Cleora: Like the previous few chapters, this one is much better constructe
d than chapters toward the beginning of the story.  I am wondering why no
one noticed that Sitting had followed the farm animals; it  seems to me that
some human or animal would have known she was there.  I also wonder about
the likelihood of Sitting's being able to bite someone in the foot while he
was wearing armor.  Doesn't a coat of armor actually cover the feet? I think
you did a good job of leaving the reader wondering what was going to happen
in upcoming chapters.  Sitting also seems to be getting more sure of
herself.

 

 

 

Sally's January comments:

Deanna: This is my favorite chapter so far.  The writing flows effortlessly
and seems to match the rhythm of your teamwork.  I would suggest adding a
little more about Griffin in the sections about your shop and attending
computer classes; otherwise, these seem unrelated to him.    I think you did
an excellent job of describing Griffin's personality by showing his
playfulness and his work ethic.  While both poems are good, the ending one
is exceptional; reading it really felt like dancing.  You had mentioned
cutting this submission in half.  Is there more to come?  The reader never
learns about Griffin's retirement.

Leonard: While I understand the points you are making about warfare, I think
you get off track by bringing in too many examples that have no real
relationship to the beginning theme of conflict between nations. For me,
these examples, rather than clarifying, left me muddled.  The ending about
the mice seems out of place, and the last sentence doesn't work.  You have a
good basic idea, but it gets lost.

Marcia:  I really like the sense of joy that radiates from this poem.  From
the title, I expected the poem to focus on literal first steps, but you did
a good job of expanding the concept to include many learning experiences.
Overall, this is a good job, but, as I reflect on the poem, I think it could
benefit from some revision; it is a little "wordy" and needs some tightening
up in spots.

Cleora: Like the previous few chapters, this one is much better constructe
d than chapters toward the beginning of the story.  I am wondering why no
one noticed that Sitting had followed the farm animals; it  seems to me that
some human or animal would have known she was there.  I also wonder about
the likelihood of Sitting's being able to bite someone in the foot while he
was wearing armor.  Doesn't a coat of armor actually cover the feet? I think
you did a good job of leaving the reader wondering what was going to happen
in upcoming chapters.  Sitting also seems to be getting more sure of
herself.

 

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