[Critique Group 1] Marcia's July notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally Two Vigils

 

Two vigils? Unclear

 

Incomplete sentence:  Time warp and uncertainty.

Try:  Uncertainty warps time.

 

Deanna Writers Block

 

Three blank lines between paragraphs

 

Insert comma:  Too her embarrassment she discovered

Try:  Too her embarrassment, she discovered

 

Delete comma:  The young man occupying the chair, moved to the next desk.

Try:  The young man occupying the chair moved to the next desk.

 

Waste basket two words

 

Insert "and":  Anderson strode toward the door, spun back to resume his
diatribe.

Try:  Anderson strode toward the door, and spun back to resume his diatribe.

 

Harsh, present as internal dialogue?:  Before he could snarl at the
empty-headed little bimbo, something slammed into the back of his right
knee.

Try:  "The empty-headed little bimbo," he snarled to himself  as something
slammed into the back of his right knee.

 

Perhaps incorporate second part before her departure where the dog body
blocks him so you can still end with the clever writers block concept?

 

Leonard Rabbit

 

Clever

 

Spelling?:  old schmo

 

Like unusual wording:  For a time fraction, rabbit freezes,

then scampers to his rent in the fence. 

 

Rabbit vs. rabbit (upper or lower case)

 

Cleora Part 13

 

No blank lines.

 

Reword:  She would undoubtedly rush to surrender as soon as she saw they
sent a dragon to torch her new home. She hadn't.

Try:  He assumed she would rush to surrender as soon as she saw they sent a
dragon to torch her new home. She hadn't.

 

Reword:  Then, the outside province that was attacked retaliated the one
that made the outside attack.

Try:  Then, the outside province retaliated against its attackers.

 

Reword:  Each time they just elected a new monarch, and did not surrender.

Try:  Each time, they simply elected a new monarch and did not surrender.

 

Punctuation:  On impulse he stroked the CBM

Try:  On impulse, he stroked the CBM.

 

So much to keep straight in my head!

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