[Critique Group 1] Sally's July comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's July comments:

Marcia:  As a book reviewer for animal-related magazines, I get lots of
books written from an animal's point of view.  They either work well or fail
miserably.  Your feline protagonist is right on the mark.  She sees,
understands, and reacts correctly.  Some suggestions: in "an ugly duckling
that changed.", change "that" to "who" to conform to thefact that animals
are sentient beings rather than objects.  In "hide the bars from view",
delete "from view." If something is hidden, it is out of view.  In "grassy
and secluded back yard", consider dropping "grassy" since a yard could imply
grass unless you describe it as something else such as  stony", "muddy",
etc.  In "grooming my fur", consider deleting "my fur."  In "man who kept
coming around all the time", consider changing it to "man who came around
all the time" or just "man who "kept coming around."

DeAnna: I wanted to stand up and cheer for the dog. I think you mentioned
this professor and how he treated you during a BOE conference call some
months ago.  At the time, I thought he was a real jerk -which is a
cleaned-up version of what I could call him.  You do an excellent job of
showing how horrible his teaching methods were.  The mention of his thinking
that while he might not write the great American novel but that one of his
students might now strikes me as a combination of self-pity on his part and
a misdirected way of mentoring a student.  I read this piece several times
over the last week or so, and, each time, I came away thinking I had
discovered another layer to it.  Did he recognize your talent and potential?
I think so.  Did he make assumptions and push you too far? Undoubtedly.  I
also wonder, had this been a graduate course and you had been a few years
older if you would have begun to explore deeper themes.  If I remember
correctly from the BOE phone call, you said that this experience prevented
you from writing for a number of years.  What a waste of time and talent his
actions caused. Was writing this cathartic?  Is it recent or from your
files?

Leonard:This seems, upon first reading,  humorous and whimsical.  The
ending, although foreshadowed, came as a surprise.  This reminded me
somewhat of an Aesop's fable or an allegory.  Is there a hidden meaning?

Cleora:  At first, I had trouble following the characters, but I suspect
this is due to having a long time between reading chapters.  In several
sentences, you write that someone "began to pace" and other similar things.
Drop the began to and simply use the past tense of the verb  -- i.e., he
paced.  I can understand the significance of the feather, but where did it
come from?  Is it significant in a way other than bringing Sitting to mind?


 

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