[Critique Group 1] Marcia's April comments

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna:

 

Delete "it":  (It was first published

Try:  (First published

 

Delete first (no second):  First of all, my dog's portion of this
conversation

Try:  My dog's portion of this conversation.

Or

Keep in mind, my dog's portion.

 

Delete brand name:  Moshi talking clock

Try:  talking clock

 

Delete full name:  Ralph Malatesta

 

Insert comma:  No sleepy labby boy you.

Try:  No sleepy labby boy, you.

 

Delete "trip":  I caught my heel on a raised slab of sidewalk and took a
sliding header on our trip in town. 

Try:  I caught my heel on a raised slab of sidewalk and took a sliding
header in town. 

 

Insert comma:  finding the beat and if not quite in step, we were hearing
the same tune.

Try:  finding the beat and, if not quite in step, we were hearing the same
tune.

 

Two words:  dogfood

Try:  dog food

 

insert comma, delete "even":  with our llama He even remembered

try:  with our llama, He remembered

 

Leonard:

 

Leaves Whisper (delete "s")

Or

Whispering Leaves

 

Rustlings say

Try:  Rustling says

 

Cleora:

 

"her":  Her feet were under her and her neck was stretched out in front of
her like the last time.

Rewrite..

 

Like?:  a satchel like the one the archer had

a box like the one Grasshopper had been put into

a pile of boxes like the ones in the room back at the castle where she had
been captured.

 

confusing:  Hades Legions might have elected a new monarch. She had been
gone a couple of days, after all. But, she didn't think so.

Try:  After all, she had been gone only a couple of days. Hades Legions
might have elected a new monarch in that time, but she didn't think so.

 

Confusing:  But, why had he helped her? He had gone along when she wanted to
put it all behind her and hid south. So, why had the archer captured her.
Why hadn't he just finished her off. 

Try:  Why had Grasshopper helped her? He had gone along when she wanted to
head south and put it all behind her. Why had the archer captured her? Why
hadn't he just finished her off?

 

Delete "just":  just barely avoiding

Try:  barely avoiding

 

Punctuation:  She hissed., Thrusting her head between the bars, she
attempted to bite her captor's finger as he pushed the latch closed.

Try:  She hissed. Thrusting her head between the bars, she attempted to bite
her captor's finger as he pushed the latch closed.

 

Delete "it":  It tasted like fish She tipped her head back and swallowed it.

Try:  She tipped her head back and swallowed, tasting fish.

 

Sally:

 

Nice hopeful sentiment during difficult time

I learned a new word! Dross

 

 

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