[Critique Group 1] Marcia's suggestions for March

[Marcia Wick]

Sally The Pursuit

 

Love the feeling of it!

 

I'm not a poet - I Don't understand line breaks, line length

 

Wordy:  Its rugged Cornish cliff paths urge me

Try:  Its rugged Cornish cliffs urge me

 

Reword:  Has added layers and subplots over the years

Try:  Has acquired layers and subplots over the years

 

Repeat pattern?:  I fold Laundry and hope the injured seal pup will survive

Try:  While I fold Laundry, I hope the injured seal pup will survive

 

 

CleoraCity Ducks

 

Cute reflection

 

Delete "something":  Sharon raised her hand and pointed at something ahead
of them.

Try:  Sharon raised her hand and pointed ahead.

 

Clarify:  "Oh, I'm sorry," said Sharon. "I keep forgetting.

Try:  "Oh, I'm sorry," said Sharon. "I keep forgetting you can't see.

 

Wasn't Julie just with Jack?:  I know what you mean.," said Sharon.

 

Could she see to watch Jack leave?:  Julie watched Jack leave and then put
the door down and went back into the house.

Try:  After Jack left, Julie put the door down and went back into the house.

 

"over" vs. "more than":  In over two decades

Try:  For more than two decades

 

Reword "something":  who was eating a sandwich or something as he hurried
along. 

Try:  who was eating as he hurried along., 

 

Reword agreement and delete "about":  Soon a gathering of about 9 ducks were
standing in front of her.

Try:  Soon several ducks gathered in front of her.

 

 

Deanna Chapter 11

 

I enjoyed the humor and the way the story unfolds, got a good picture of the
chaos and personality of your family.

 

Delete "had":  Once he had calmed down,

Try:  Once he calmed down,

 

Insert dash:  two-against-the world

Try:  two-against-the-world

 

"who" instead of "that":  Curt was the first young man I had dated that
understood my need to be independent

Try:  Curt was the first young man I had dated who understood my need to be
independent

 

"who" vs. "whom, also delete "really":  loved for whom I really was

Try:  loved for who I was

 

"who" vs. "that", also delete "I think" and use "in" instead of "of":  I
think Curt's maternal grandfather was the only one of his family that
thought

Try:  Curt's maternal grandfather was the only one in his family who thought

 

Clarify gave you the trailer or a place to live:  Scottie offered Tammy and
I a travel trailer on her Mom's driveway as a way to help save money for the
expense of going to Michigan. 

Try:  Scottie offered Tammy and I a place to live in a travel trailer on her
Mom's driveway as a way to help save money for the expense of going to
Michigan. 

 

Reword:  Spring break had to do as a wedding date,

Try:  Spring break would have to do as a wedding date,

 

Reword:  So it seemed our lucky day.

Try:  So it seemed our luck might change.

 

Rework so as not to stray from your story:  Her ten year-old dog Babette, a
standard poodle, was stolen.  My gentle brother Rob had to go over and
threaten a neighbor to secure her return. 

Delete remaining explanation and leave it as another thing on a long list of
mishaps. Pick up at Chaos was the norm

 

Clarify the girl or the dog:  she broke loose

 

Insert comma:  hugs to my two grandmothers great grandmother and closest
relations

Try:  hugs to my two grandmothers, great grandmother and closest relations

 

 

Leonard Legally Aura-Challenged

 

Imaginative

Delete "legally"?

 

Avoid passive voice

Delete "all", perhaps use metaphor or analogy here?:  All the fluctuating
color patterns on his body and limbs became duller and slower.

Try:  The fluctuating color patterns on his body and limbs dulled and slowed
like.

 

.insert period/end quote:  since you are flashing a 'today I am a male'
aura."

 

Passive:  were blinking on and off all over Sidelle.

Try:  blinked on and off all over Sidelle.

 

Confusing because he did pick up on the flirting

 

Plural attentions?:  Their attentions turned to the sound of an opening
door. 

 

Avoid slightly adjective:  A slightly overweight octopus

Try:  A pudgy octopus

 

Delete slightly:  He was wearing slightly formal body colors

Try:  He was wearing formal body colors

 

Plural?:  skins

 

 

 

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