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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally The Pursuit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Love the feeling of it!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I’m not a poet – I Don’t understand line breaks, line length<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wordy: Its rugged Cornish cliff paths urge me<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Its rugged Cornish cliffs urge me<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Has added layers and subplots over the years<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Has acquired layers and subplots over the years<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Repeat pattern?: I fold Laundry and hope the injured seal pup will survive<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: While I fold Laundry, I hope the injured seal pup will survive<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>CleoraCity Ducks<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cute reflection<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “something”: Sharon raised her hand and pointed at something ahead of them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Sharon raised her hand and pointed ahead.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Clarify: "Oh, I'm sorry," said Sharon. "I keep forgetting.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "Oh, I'm sorry," said Sharon. "I keep forgetting you can’t see.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wasn’t Julie just with Jack?: I know what you mean.," said Sharon.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Could she see to watch Jack leave?: Julie watched Jack leave and then put the door down and went back into the house.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: After Jack left, Julie put the door down and went back into the house.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“over” vs. “more than”: In over two decades<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: For more than two decades<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword “something”: who was eating a sandwich or something as he hurried along. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: who was eating as he hurried along., <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword agreement and delete “about”: Soon a gathering of about 9 ducks were standing in front of her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Soon several ducks gathered in front of her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna Chapter 11<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I enjoyed the humor and the way the story unfolds, got a good picture of the chaos and personality of your family.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “had”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Once he had calmed down,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Once he calmed down,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert dash: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>two-against-the world<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: two-against-the-world<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“who” instead of “that”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Curt was the first young man I had dated that understood my need to be independent<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Curt was the first young man I had dated who understood my need to be independent<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“who” vs. “whom, also delete “really”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>loved for whom I really was<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: loved for who I was<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“who” vs. “that”, also delete “I think” and use “in” instead of “of”: I think <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Curt’s maternal grandfather was the only one of his family that thought<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Curt’s maternal grandfather was the only one in his family who thought<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Clarify gave you the trailer or a place to live: Scottie offered Tammy and I a travel trailer on her Mom’s driveway as a way to help save money for the expense of going to Michigan. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Scottie offered Tammy and I a place to live in a travel trailer on her Mom’s driveway as a way to help save money for the expense of going to Michigan. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Spring break had to do as a wedding date,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Spring break would have to do as a wedding date,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>So it seemed our lucky day.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: So it seemed our luck might change.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework so as not to stray from your story: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Her ten year-old dog Babette, a standard poodle, was stolen. My gentle brother Rob had to go over and threaten a neighbor to secure her return. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Delete remaining explanation and leave it as another thing on a long list of mishaps. Pick up at Chaos was the norm<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Clarify the girl or the dog: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>she broke loose<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>hugs to my two grandmothers great grandmother and closest relations<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: hugs to my two grandmothers, great grandmother and closest relations<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard Legally Aura-Challenged<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Imaginative<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Delete “legally”?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Avoid passive voice<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Delete “all”, perhaps use metaphor or analogy here?: All the fluctuating color patterns on his body and limbs became duller and slower.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: The fluctuating color patterns on his body and limbs dulled and slowed like…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>.insert period/end quote: since you are flashing a ‘today I am a male’ aura.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passive: <span style='color:black'>were blinking on and off all over Sidelle.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: blinked on and off all over Sidelle.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing because he did pick up on the flirting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Plural attentions?: <span style='color:black'>Their attentions turned to the sound of an opening door. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Avoid slightly adjective: A slightly overweight octopus<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: A pudgy octopus<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete slightly: <span style='color:black'>He was wearing slightly formal body colors<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: He was wearing formal body colors<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Plural?: <span style='color:black'>skins<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>