[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments from Feb.

[Marcia Wick]

Sally Kathy’s Passing

Should Mass be capitalized?

 

Insert comma:  While your funeral mass was held,

Too many miles away,

Try:  While your funeral mass was held,

Too many miles away, I sat quietly


(I rescind this comment following your explanation that the funeral was too
many miles away, not you
)

 

Cleora Sweet Potato Pie

Reword:  One of my big problems is that several years ago I found out I am
sensitive

Try:  I was dismayed to learn several years ago that I am sensitive


 

Redundant:  a little bit of creativity

Try:  a little creativity or a bit of creativity

 

Use conjunction or break into sentences:  
from soy milk, I substituted


Try:  
from soy milk, and I substituted


Or:  
from soy milk. I then substituted


 

Reword:  I did not try to substitute stevia in this case; however, you could
probably use one-fourth cup fructose or one-half teaspoon liquid stevia if
you want to avoid processed sugar completely.

Try:  I did not substitute stevia at this stage; however, you could use
one-fourth cup fructose or one-half teaspoon liquid stevia to completely
avoid processed sugar.

 

List ingredients on separate lines:  

1 16 oz. can organic sweet potato puree ¾ cup sugar [substituted 1 and
one-half teaspoon liquid stevia] ½ tsp nutmeg ¼ tsp ginger

Try:  1 16 oz. can organic sweet potato puree 

¾ cup sugar [or substitute 1 and one-half teaspoon liquid stevia] 

½ tsp nutmeg 

¼ tsp ginger

 

Organization: list ingredients for evaporated milk ahead of directions.

Put alternate directions for evaporated milk after the original recipe

 

Serves 6-8 or 4 in my case
clever line but put it in one place (serves 6 to
8 appears twice)

 

Brackets instead of parentheses?

 

Good technique to open with a question.

 

Deanna Chapter 10

Reword:  I had spent the time

Try:  I spent the time

 

“suffer” repeated:  While involved in the conflict, my father suffered a
serious head injury.  It caused him to suffer severe headaches

Try:  While involved in the conflict, my father suffered a serious head
injury.  As a result, he endured severe headaches

 

Dangling:  I sometimes took the blame and the punishment for things I hadn’t
done to protect them. 

Try:  To protect them, I sometimes took the blame and the punishment for
things I hadn’t done. 

 

Insert comma:  My father didn’t feel I was sufficiently chastised unless I
cried and I was strong willed. 

Try:  My father didn’t feel I was sufficiently chastised unless I cried, and
I was strong willed. 

 

Punctuation:  Although Tammy showed time and again that she wouldn’t allow
anyone to hurt me, she was really quite gentle, even timid in her own
defense. 

Try:  Tammy showed time and again that she wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt me.
She was really quite gentle, even timid in her own defense. 

 

Delete “in”:  I gained in confidence

Try:  I gained confidence

 

Amazons or Amazon

 

Insert comma:  my feet hands and entire body. 

Try:  my feet, hands, and entire body. 

 

Insert comma:  Eventually I found

Try:  Eventually, I found

 

Transition:  I let Annie talk me into attending a party for some of the
students in a three dimensional art course we were taking together. 

try:  Once, I let Annie talk me into attending a party for some of the
students in a three dimensional art course we were taking together. 

 

Insert comma:  Suddenly with the availability

Try:  Suddenly, with the availability

 

Insert comma:  Such an intimate act required some kind of commitment in my
estimation.  

Try:  Such an intimate act required some kind of commitment, in my
estimation.  

 

Compound words might need hyphen:  strong-willed

Loud-voiced

Free-spirited

 

Leonard A Horse’s Touch

passing by a wooden rail fence

delete word:  passing by a wooden fence

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