[Critique Group 1] Marcia's May comments

[Marcia Wick]

Sally - Laurence's Promise

Sweet poem, no suggestions

Curious about reason (or not) for blank lines.

 

Cleora - Why Cockatiel Wings Cross

Delete "and":  Back when the world was new, and before humans introduced
clocks, there were many birds but not as many as there are now.

Try:  Back when the world was new, before humans introduced clocks, there
were many birds but not as many as there are now.

 

Insert comma:  with dull grey feathers a white bib under their beaks, and
bright orange cheeks.

Try:  with dull grey feathers, a white bib under their beaks, and bright
orange cheeks.

 

Use Blank lines between quotes:  

Try:  "Don't fly so high," admonished his mother.

 

"Straighten out your flight," advised his father. "You won't get anywhere
flying in circles. There is nothing to eat at the top of this tree."

 

"I just wanted to see what is up there," insisted Cocky.

 

Redundant "wonder":  For several days Cocky heeded his parents warning, but
he couldn't help but wonder what would happen. Every day he would stand
gazing up at the firmament at the top of the sky and wonder.

Try:  For several days, Cocky heeded his parents warning, but he couldn't
help but wonder what would happen as he stood and gazed up at the firmament
. 

 

Use noun instead of pronoun:  It got colder

Try:  the air got colder

 

Hyphenate?:  wing feathers

Try:  wing-feathers

 

Simplify/avoid pronoun "it":  he reached the firmament. He grasp it with his
feet and stuck his head up into the ceiling of the sky.

Try:  he reached the firmament, grasped with his feet and poked his head
through the ceiling of the sky.

 

Delete "but":  but then the tips of his flight feathers went through.

Try:  then the tips of his flight feathers went through.

 

Delete "so":  He was so tired and so cold that he began to fall.

Try:  tired and cold, he began to fall.

 

Reword (he just told them):  "I flew up to the roof in the sky," said Cocky.
He was so tired and scared he couldn't tell them what happened.

Try:  "I flew up to the roof in the sky," said Cocky. He was so tired and
scared he could barely chirp.

 

Deanna - Chapter 13

Hyphenate?:  drop offs

Try:  drop-offs

 

Combine in one sentence:  I didn't want her to disturb everyone's sleep a
second time.   On the next night, I took Tammy into the tent sharing the
edge of my sleeping bag with her. 

Try:  I didn't want her to disturb everyone's sleep a second time, so I took
Tammy into the tent and shared the edge of my sleeping bag with her the next
night. 

 

Insert "likely" or "probably":  Tammy's barking had spared us a visit the
previous night. 

Try:  Tammy's barking likely had spared us a visit the previous night. 

 

Insert comma:  Michael, the boy sleeping next to our tent kept whispering

Try:  Michael, the boy sleeping next to our tent, kept whispering

 

Insert commas:  his girlfriend Chris

Try:  his girlfriend, Chris,

 

Not clear you are hiking on snow/ice:  Another trip took us to climb Mount
Baden Powell. 

 

Context:  I decided that hiking trails were fun

Try:  I decided that hiking was fun

Or:  I decided that trails were fun

 

Transition from hiking to biking:  We bought a used tandem single-speed
bicycle

Try:  Tammy also loved to run alongside our used tandem single-speed
bicycle.

 

Leonard - A Robin's Fortune

Avoid ending sentence with preposition:  the distracting flight could be
counted on. 

Try:  I could count on the distracting flight.

 

Delete comma:  I looked forward to it, because there was something
reassuring about it.

Try:  I looked forward to it because there was something reassuring about
it.

 

Delete comma:  In amongst the weeds, beneath the privet, was an adult
robin's body.

Try:  In amongst the weeds beneath the privet was an adult robin's body.

 

Word choice:  rival family dog (sounds threatening)

Try:  a neighbor's dog

 

Tense:  We know this

Try:  We knew this

 

Combine sentences:  However, I have no doubt that the killer was a predator.
It was probably after the chicks or eggs.

Try:  However, I have no doubt that the killer was a predator, probably
after the chicks or eggs.

 

Reword:  If it was a raccoon or other comparable animal, he might have been
forced

Try:  A raccoon or other comparable animal might have been forced

 

Reword simplify:  Out in the lake, which lies just beyond our property, are
Canadian Geese, honking in their cacophonous way, and I imagine them as
seasonal visitors from the North Country, who bring their family quarrels,
love and dreams with them.

Try:  Out in the lake, which lies just beyond our property, Canadian Geese
honk in their cacophonous way. I imagine them as seasonal visitors from the
North Country, bringing their family quarrels, love and dreams with them.

 

Not possible to kill something over and over again:  Possums that Barney
kills over and over again

 

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