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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally – Laurence’s Promise<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sweet poem, no suggestions<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Curious about reason (or not) for blank lines…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora – Why Cockatiel Wings Cross<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “and”: Back when the world was new, and before humans introduced clocks, there were many birds but not as many as there are now.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Back when the world was new, before humans introduced clocks, there were many birds but not as many as there are now.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: with dull grey feathers a white bib under their beaks, and bright orange cheeks.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: with dull grey feathers, a white bib under their beaks, and bright orange cheeks.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Use Blank lines between quotes: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: "Don't fly so high," admonished his mother.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"Straighten out your flight," advised his father. "You won't get anywhere flying in circles. There is nothing to eat at the top of this tree."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"I just wanted to see what is up there," insisted Cocky.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Redundant “wonder”: For several days Cocky heeded his parents warning, but he couldn't help but wonder what would happen. Every day he would stand gazing up at the firmament at the top of the sky and wonder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: For several days, Cocky heeded his parents warning, but he couldn't help but wonder what would happen as he stood and gazed up at the firmament . <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use noun instead of pronoun: It got colder<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the air got colder<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate?: wing feathers<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: wing-feathers<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify/avoid pronoun “it”: he reached the firmament. He grasp it with his feet and stuck his head up into the ceiling of the sky.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: he reached the firmament, grasped with his feet and poked his head through the ceiling of the sky.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “but”: but then the tips of his flight feathers went through.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: then the tips of his flight feathers went through.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “so”: He was so tired and so cold that he began to fall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: tired and cold, he began to fall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword (he just told them): "I flew up to the roof in the sky," said Cocky. He was so tired and scared he couldn't tell them what happened.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "I flew up to the roof in the sky," said Cocky. He was so tired and scared he could barely chirp.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna – Chapter 13<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate?: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>drop offs<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: drop-offs<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Combine in one sentence: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I didn’t want her to disturb everyone’s sleep a second time. On the next night, I took Tammy into the tent sharing the edge of my sleeping bag with her. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I didn’t want her to disturb everyone’s sleep a second time, so I took Tammy into the tent and shared the edge of my sleeping bag with her the next night. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert “likely” or “probably”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Tammy’s barking had spared us a visit the previous night. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Tammy’s barking likely had spared us a visit the previous night. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Michael, the boy sleeping next to our tent kept whispering<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Michael, the boy sleeping next to our tent, kept whispering<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>his girlfriend Chris<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: his girlfriend, Chris,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Not clear you are hiking on snow/ice: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Another trip took us to climb Mount Baden Powell. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Context: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I decided that hiking trails were fun<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I decided that hiking was fun<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Or: I decided that trails were fun<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transition from hiking to biking: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>We bought a used tandem single-speed bicycle<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Tammy also loved to run alongside our used tandem single-speed bicycle…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard - <span style='color:black'>A Robin’s Fortune<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid ending sentence with preposition: <span style='color:black'>the distracting flight could be counted on. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I could count on the distracting flight.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: <span style='color:black'>I looked forward to it, because there was something reassuring about it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I looked forward to it because there was something reassuring about it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Delete comma: <span style='color:black'>In amongst the weeds, beneath the privet, was an adult robin’s body.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>In amongst the weeds beneath the privet was an adult robin’s body.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: <span style='color:black'>rival family dog (sounds threatening)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: a neighbor’s dog<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: <span style='color:black'>We know this<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: We knew this<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Combine sentences: <span style='color:black'>However, I have no doubt that the killer was a predator. It was probably after the chicks or eggs.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: However, I have no doubt that the killer was a predator, probably after the chicks or eggs.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='color:black'>If it was a raccoon or other comparable animal, he might have been forced<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: A raccoon or other comparable animal might have been forced<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword simplify: <span style='color:black'>Out in the lake, which lies just beyond our property, are Canadian Geese, honking in their cacophonous way, and I imagine them as seasonal visitors from the North Country, who bring their family quarrels, love and dreams with them.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Out in the lake, which lies just beyond our property, Canadian Geese honk in their cacophonous way. I imagine them as seasonal visitors from the North Country, bringing their family quarrels, love and dreams with them.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Not possible to kill something over and over again: <span style='color:black'>Possums that Barney kills over and over again<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>