[Critique Group 1] my comments

[Marcia Wick]

Comments from Marcia:

 

Group1 Foreword

 

Suggest moving : This is the story of." ahead of your first paragraph.

The first paragraph would follow "that was college life in the late 1960's."
nicely.

 

Mind altering I think should be hyphenated as mind-altering modifying drug
use

Dead end perhaps hyphenated as dead-end since it modifies road

 

not always friendly world - perhaps avoid negative "not" with more specific
"frightening" or "challenging" world?

 

among the shifting tides of change - suggest "in the shifting tide" - use in
instead of among, and delete of change as redundant as the tide is shifting

 

I can tell you their story because I was that young girl and the dog who
walked by my side, through the maelstrom that was college life in the late
1960's was my first Seeing Eye Dog - suggest moving commas for better
understanding: 

I can tell you their story because I was that young girl, and the dog who
walked by my side through the maelstrom that was college life in the late
1960's was my first Seeing Eye Dog.

 

She shared her canine--live for the moment--approach to life with me.  

Rework hyphens:  

She shared her canine live-for -the -moment approach to life with me.  

 

When I misinterpreted the situation and corrected Tammy, instead of trusting
her judgement; she freely forgave my error.  

Rework punctuation:

When I misinterpreted the situation and corrected Tammy instead of trusting
her judgement, she freely forgave my error.  

 

***

 

Group1 Phillip's Burden

 

Join first two lines:

Phillip's little sister pulled insistently at his arm. "Come on," she said.

show don't tell- The metal was unbearably hot (He yelped when the hot car
burned him.)

 

Not sure if verb tense requires "had", also delete line break:

He had gone into Hunt's Variety to look at the toys while his father was
picking up some tools at the hardware store next door.

Among the toys, there had been a toy tractor exactly like his father's John
Deere.  

Vs.

He went into Hunt's Variety to look at the toys while his father picked up
some tools at the hardware store next door. Among the toys, there was a toy
tractor exactly like his father's John Deere. 

 

This "had" is OK:

Phillip had been certain his father would buy the toy if only he could show
it to him.

 

However, delete "had" here and change comma to period (I am only going to
paste my suggested revision here since it's a longer passage):

He called to his father when he saw him come out of the store. When his
father said, "no, come on, let's go," he ran into the store and grabbed the
tractor and brought it out to show his dad. His father took the tractor with
him back to the store. 

 

At the time, Phillip was sure his plan had worked, but then his father gave
the toy back to Mr. Hunt, and told Phillip to apologize for stealing it.

(You may want to review other occurances of "had")

 

This seems redundant: 

Words failed him then.

Phillip had no idea how to say what he hoped.

Perhaps - Phillip couldn't find the words to express his hope.

 

 

 

Group1 The Taste of Curiosity

MariJo  Lord

 

"didn't" is effective when repeated in the series of things this character
"didn't" do, but perhaps lead in with "never":  we never saw Mrs. Meleski
outside. She didn't sit on the front porch .

 

Perhaps clarify why it was hard to understand her (accent, soft spoken, ?)

 

Add dash after seven (seven-) since it leads into the same hyphenated style
for nine-year-old 

I like that you will always be curious as to why only four seeds. You can
speculate but it is also interesting that you might never know.

 

 

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