[Critique Group 1] critiques for 5/10/17 session from Cleora

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

Thanks to all for your comments on Phillip's Burden on the last Wednesday night session. I look forward to receiving your notes.
Meanwhile, here are mine for all of you.
Cleora

comments for DeAnna 
Is it too wordy
I think there are places it could be trimmed by combining details rather than putting each in a sentence by itself.
How was one young native-American woman ...
Then you can leave out the long description later
Too many sentences start the same way.
This is the story of one girl and one dog and how they went out into a not always friendly world together.  
could be
This is a story of  how one shy Native American girl and her first guidedog, Tammy, a mischievous fifteen month-old black Labrador/German Shepherd dog with boundless energy, a love of life and a desire to lease,  went out into a not always friendly world together.  
As it stands now, it is not too bad but I think as you tell the rest of the story, it will be necessary to use more economy of words to keep the reader’s attention.


comments for Mary joe
The Taste of Curiosity
Too bad you never knew the answer to the question. A very curious thing for her to do.
Although you didn't know at the time she was speaking in Polish, you could maybe let the reader know somehow it was not English so they would know it wasn't because of a speech impediment or she was speaking too low.
You mention the pumpkin seeds getting lost in all the other treats. You would think she would know this and at least wrap them in tissue or put them in a small envelope.
at the end the relationship between curiosity and the taste and texture of the seeds comes out.
I think it might be improved if this relationship built up slowly as the story progresses.
Your concern about eating the seeds brings out the fear that has been instilled in children over eating something that hasn't been commercially packaged. Or, that has been opened.
Thinking about the piece someone presented a few sessions ago about finding a list hidden in a magazine. You could have a lot of fun with a second piece speculating on why just 4 seeds and what she said.

comments for Marsha
Does the tea splash out when he bangs his cup repeatedly?
The story brings out the sadness and frustration of dealing with someone with Alzheimer’s. 
Best of all, I like the way you handle talking to him as if it is the first time he does or asks the same thing. This is important with someone who has no memory they are doing the same thing over and over.
Good idea presenting this piece as an alternative of others that so often bring out the valance  some people with Alzheimer’s show in the later stages.