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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-indent:.5in'>Comments from Marcia:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-indent:.5in'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-indent:.5in'>Group1 Foreword<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>Suggest moving : This is the story of…” ahead of your first paragraph.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>The first paragraph would follow “that was college life in the late 1960's…” nicely.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>Mind altering I think should be hyphenated as mind-altering modifying drug use<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>Dead end perhaps hyphenated as dead-end since it modifies road<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>not always friendly world – perhaps avoid negative “not” with more specific “frightening” or “challenging” world?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'>among the shifting tides of change – suggest “in the shifting tide” – use in instead of among, and delete of change as redundant as the tide is shifting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify'>I can tell you their story because I was that young girl and the dog who walked by my side, through the maelstrom that was college life in the late 1960's was my first Seeing Eye Dog – suggest moving commas for better understanding: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify'>I can tell you their story because I was that young girl, and the dog who walked by my side through the maelstrom that was college life in the late 1960's was my first Seeing Eye Dog.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-right:67.5pt;text-align:justify'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>She shared her canine--live for the moment--approach to life with me. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-right:67.5pt;text-align:justify'>Rework hyphens: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>She shared her canine live-for -the -moment approach to life with me. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>When I misinterpreted the situation and corrected Tammy, instead of trusting her judgement; she freely forgave my error. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify'>Rework punctuation:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>When I misinterpreted the situation and corrected Tammy instead of trusting her judgement, she freely forgave my error. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify'><o:p> </o:p></p><div style='mso-element:para-border-div;border-top:dotted windowtext 3.0pt;border-left:none;border-bottom:dotted windowtext 3.0pt;border-right:none;padding:1.0pt 0in 1.0pt 0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-right:67.5pt'><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;border:none;padding:0in'>***<o:p></o:p></p></div><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:67.5pt;margin-bottom:0in;margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Group1 Phillip's Burden<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Join first two lines:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Phillip’s little sister pulled insistently at his arm. “Come on," she said.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>show don’t tell- The metal was unbearably hot (He yelped when the hot car burned him…)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Not sure if verb tense requires “had”, also delete line break:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>He had gone into Hunt's Variety to look at the toys while his father was picking up some tools at the hardware store next door.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Among the toys, there had been a toy tractor exactly like his father's John Deere. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Vs.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>He went into Hunt's Variety to look at the toys while his father picked up some tools at the hardware store next door. Among the toys, there was a toy tractor exactly like his father's John Deere. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>This “had” is OK:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Phillip had been certain his father would buy the toy if only he could show it to him.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>However, delete “had” here and change comma to period (I am only going to paste my suggested revision here since it’s a longer passage):<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>He called to his father when he saw him come out of the store. When his father said, "no, come on, let's go,” he ran into the store and grabbed the tractor and brought it out to show his dad. His father took the tractor with him back to the store. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>At the time, Phillip was sure his plan had worked, but then his father gave the toy back to Mr. Hunt, and told Phillip to apologize for stealing it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>(You may want to review other occurances of “had”)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>This seems redundant: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Words failed him then.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Phillip had no idea how to say what he hoped.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Perhaps – Phillip couldn’t find the words to express his hope.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><div style='mso-element:para-border-div;border-top:dotted windowtext 3.0pt;border-left:none;border-bottom:dotted windowtext 3.0pt;border-right:none;padding:1.0pt 0in 1.0pt 0in'><p class=MsoPlainText style='border:none;padding:0in'><o:p> </o:p></p></div><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'>Group1 The Taste of Curiosity<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'>MariJo Lord<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'>“didn’t” is effective when repeated in the series of things this character “didn’t” do, but perhaps lead in with “never”: we never saw Mrs. Meleski outside. She didn't sit on the front porch …<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'>Perhaps clarify why it was hard to understand her (accent, soft spoken, ?)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'>Add dash after seven (seven-) since it leads into the same hyphenated style for nine-year-old <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I like that you will always be curious as to why only four seeds. You can speculate but it is also interesting that you might never know.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>