[Critique Group 1] Comments from Mary-Jo from the June 14 Session

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Comments June 14

 

# Conflicts of the Heart

Cleora

 

You start the story with a quote and set up the conflict. This draws the
reader in right away. You offer background information which helps set up
the conflict.

You might want to make a slight change in this sentence.

She cringed waiting for the blow or at least loud scolding words that would
have certainly come from Phil, my former husband.  

Maybe change Phil, my former husband to her dad. We already know that Phil
is the narrator's former husband and by saying her dad, we see more clearly
the kind of relationship Phil had with his children.

 

This sentence might be changed for clarity.

I didn't mention that not only did I have no desire to be a preacher's wife,
I also didn't believe the same way.

Maybe I didn't share his religious beliefs, or I had different religious
beliefs.

 

Do you want to have the kids asking her about marriage to Tom and then being
eager for her to say yes to Done? Maybe just that the kids got along, she
and tom got along but there wasn't any spark.

 

Maybe in the Section from Don's POV put another sentence about his
ambivalence about becoming a minister. Also, maybe after the proposal, if
she hesitates, the conversation about her concerns should happen before she
says "yes." Send the kids off to see the view, have the conversation and
bring them back before she officially says "yes."

 

I love the ending where you bring it back around to the proposal for their
50th and the celebration with the adult kids and grandchildren.

 

# A Dirty Contribution 

by Kevin Brown

This is hilarious. You managed to bring out all of the gems of family
gatherings: the assorted attire of attendees, the food, amazingly bad and
good, and quirky behavior of everyone. Your use of adjectives makes this
event come to life so that I feel as if I am there, and makes me want to
attend something that might be otherwise unpleasant.

 

A faint pleasantly thrumming current was underlying the atmosphere at this
year's autumn family gathering. Right away, you set up the feeling of an
undercurrent of something sure to happen.  

 

Uncle Lenny and his pound cake were the icing on the cake, no pun intended.
The chaos that followed is as hilarious as the rest of the piece and Uncle
Lenny had the last laugh.

 

# Two Good Eyes and Six Strong legs  

Marcia

 

I like the description of the day, the amount of preparation involved with
getting ready for the walk and the descriptions of the obstacles. I could
feel Vivi's exuberance when you started out for the walk. All of the
details: the garbage can, bushes, the broken curb, the dog that wasn't out
today, made the walk feel real. You might want to add what you are saying
"no thank you" to in some places. When you mentioned thinking about family
and other events made the walk feel real because our minds frequently wander
when walking. I like the big reward for Vivi when she maneuvered around the
mound of sand at the end. 

 

My favorite line is, It's like a dance; follow the lead and trust your
partner.

 

# Loving Amber Eyes  

Deanna

 

I like the pace of the chapter. Telling the ways that you and the dog needed
to learn about each other and the signals and queues to pick up on would be
informative to a reader that has not had a dog guide. The play time with the
dogs under the table at meal time was cute. I don't think there are too many
dogs, trained or otherwise that would pick up a sausage from the floor and
hand it to a person. There were some sentences in places that had space
runs. If you use Jaws, you can use insert v, and arrow down to text
analyzer. Hit space until show all inconsistencies is selected, tab over to
okay and hit escape. You can find them and other things about a document
that way.

 

I think the chapter reads well as it is, so maybe you don't want to address
the other reason for getting a roommate. Using names of actual people can be
funny. Then again, you didn't say anything negative about any of them. If
you know an attorney, you might want to ask about that before you send it
for publication. If in doubt, change them. Definitely keep the names of the
dogs. A ex-Marine answering to Mimi is hilarious.

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