[Critique Group 1] June suggestions from Marcia

[Marcia Wick]

See below and attached.

Marcia

 

Cleora "Conflicts of the Heart"

 

they approve, but I'm not so sure, There are other things to be considered
and, after all, the decision has to be mine.

Too many commas, break up - try:

they approve, but I'm not so sure. There are other things to consider, and
after all, the decision has to be mine.

 

He was kind I knew.

 

Add comma:

He was kind, I knew.

 

That night he had caught them in bed together. In spite of her infidelity,
he had begged her to leave her lover and come back to him and their two
boys, but she refused and so he felt he had no choice but to divorce her.

 

Omit "had":

That night, he caught them in bed together. In spite of her infidelity, he
begged her to leave her lover and come back to him and their two boys. She
refused and so he felt he had no choice but to divorce her.

 

One day I noticed someone new. 

Add comma:

One day, I noticed someone new.

 

.tears already welling up in her eyes.

Delete "already":

.tears welling up in her eyes.

 

I declined pointing out that he was still in school.

Add comma:

I declined, pointing out that he was still in school.

 

I didn't mention that not only did I have no desire to be a preacher's wife,
I also didn't believe the same way.

Revise wording:

I had no desire to be a preacher's wife, and I didn't believe the same way,
but I didn't mention this.

 

Plus, I had met and gone out with Tom,

Revise wording:

Plus, I had been dating Tom,

 

I don't know. I like Tom. I just don't hit it off with him as well as with
don. On the other hand, he is of the same faith and isn't studying to be a
preacher. 

Try:

I wasn't sure. I liked Tom. But I didn't hit it off with him as well as with
don. On the other hand, Tom was of the same faith and wasn't studying to be
a preacher. 

Or:

"I don't know. I like Tom. I just don't hit it off with him as well as with
don. On the other hand, he is of the same faith and isn't studying to be a
preacher. "

 

Consider separating into chapters

Enough material for a book!

1st person narrative switch to future husband's point of view makes a
difficult transition. Put his thoughts into his own chapter or somehow say
you later became aware of his feelings which were.

 

 

Deanna "Amber Eyes"

 

A strap with a loop at the end slipped between her front legs through which
I threaded a girth strap with a buckle hanging down on her right side and
attached that buckle to the free end of the strap hanging down on her left. 

Too wordy, confusing:

I became familiar with her complicated harness, threading the girth strap
through a loop then attaching the buckle on her right to the free end of the
strap hanging down on her left. 

 

Praise was her reward for stopping at a curb, set of stairs, tight spot,
broken pavement or other obstacle that required me to take some action. 

Delete "some":

Praise was her reward for stopping at a curb, set of stairs, tight spot,
broken pavement or other obstacle that required me to take action. 

 

I had to communicate this information to Tammy in a series of right, left
and forward, commands. 

Delete comma after "forward":

I had to communicate this information to Tammy in a series of right, left
and forward commands. 

 

I had to regulate our speed by directing her to quicken her pace with a
hup-up or slow her down with a steady. 

Need quotes:

I had to regulate our speed by directing her to quicken her pace with a
"hup-up" or slow her down with a "steady."

 

 praise praise   praise her

Use commas:

Praise, praise, praise her

 

Except for two weeklong stints at a summer camp for blind children, I had
previously had only a very limited exposure to other blind people. 

Too many hads:

Except for two weeklong stints at a summer camp for blind children, I
previously had only limited exposure to other blind people. 

 

and an assortment of games to fill any leisure time. 

Delete "any":

and an assortment of games to fill leisure time. 

 

Maureen hated having to respond to Snookie.  Mr. Wright, a large gruff
ex-marine had a comparable problem when he had to obey commands directed to
Mimi. 

Put dog names in quotes since they are calling the name:

Maureen hated having to respond to "Snookie." And Mr. Wright, a large gruff
ex-marine had a comparable problem when he had to obey commands directed to
"Mimi." 

 

She wasn't taking any chances, of losing me, now that she had decided I
belonged to her alone. 

Delete comma:

She wasn't taking any chances of losing me, now that she had decided I
belonged to her alone. 

 

There were so many lessons for us both there never seemed to be enough time
in the day. 

Punctuation:

There were so many lessons for each of us; there never seemed to be enough
time in the day. 

 

Perhaps consider separate chapter on dorm life, classmates etc. Limit this
one to the dog and training experience.

Only use actual names if they contribute personally to the story (resurface
in a later chapter); otherwise describe by profession, other characteristics
or first name only unless you want to bother obtaining their permission.

 

Mary-Jo "The Intercourse"

 

information regardless of how it was acquired, was

Insert comma:

information, regardless of how it was acquired, was

 

Over the summer, we visited our relatives in California.

 

Insert "had":

Over the summer, we had visited our relatives in California.

 

 

eight-year-old mind

discrepancy?

 

EEEEEEU!

In quotes?

"EEEEEEU!"

 

my mother seemed to have become speechless.

Delete "seemed to"

my mother was speechless.

 

I could feel her stunned silence like possible trouble but I didn't know
where it came from.

Reword:

I felt her stunned silence meant trouble, but I didn't know why.

 

I tried to remember what Christy read. 

Insert "had":

I tried to remember what Christy had read. 

 

Kevin "A Dirty Contribution"

 

A fain pleasantly thrumming current was underlying the atmosphere at this
year's autumn family gathering.

Reword

A faint pleasant current was thrumming, underlying the atmosphere at this
year's autumn family gathering.

 

no one dared to speak of it out loud.

Omit "to":

no one dared speak of it out loud.

 

Her oversized yellow plastic bowl was the first to be proudly set on the
table. it just kept

Capitalize "I" in it"

Her oversized yellow plastic bowl was the first to be proudly set on the
table. It just kept

 

Cousin Lily and cousin Bee placed their pots of smokey collard greens next
to each other as if tacitly agreeing to a sisterly peace treaty based on
geometry to their ongoing fiercely contested cooking competition.

Reword:

Cousin Lily and cousin Bee placed competing pots of smokey collard greens
next to each other, tacitly agreeing to a sisterly peace treaty based on
geometry,, despite their ongoing fierce cooking battle.

 

Reggie's girlfriend Ella, the micro-mini skirt wearing, self appointed home
interior expert was effusive in her praise of the new gaudy decor.

Comma placement:

Reggie's girlfriend Ella, the micro-mini skirt wearing, self-appointed home
interior expert, was effusive in her praise of the new gaudy decor.

 

The plastic seat covered plaid davenport, wicker framed tables and tropical
print draperies were all applauded as innovative and bold. Thanks to mail
order convenience and monthly payment plans.

Wording, incomplete sentence:

The davenport seat covered in plaid  plastic, wicker framed tables, and
tropical print draperies were applauded as innovative and bold; the new look
thanks to mail order convenience and monthly payment plans.

 

As the evening progressed, there were twin preoccupations on the remaining
sober minds. A slowly growing giddy relief at the consistent happy tidings
along with a cliched attitude of the other shoe dropping in anticipation.

Simplify

As the evening progressed, there were competing preoccupations on the
remaining sober minds - giddy relief grew slowly along with the sharing of
happy tidings, while dread also grew as they anticipated the cliched other
shoe dropping.

 

 

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