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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>See below and attached.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Marcia<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora “Conflicts of the Heart”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>they approve, but I'm not so sure, There are other things to be considered and, after all, the decision has to be mine.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many commas, break up - try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>they approve, but I'm not so sure. There are other things to consider, and after all, the decision has to be mine.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>He was kind I knew.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Add comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>He was kind, I knew.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>That night he had caught them in bed together. In spite of her infidelity, he had begged her to leave her lover and come back to him and their two boys, but she refused and so he felt he had no choice but to divorce her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Omit “had”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>That night, he caught them in bed together. In spite of her infidelity, he begged her to leave her lover and come back to him and their two boys. She refused and so he felt he had no choice but to divorce her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>One day I noticed someone new. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Add comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>One day, I noticed someone new.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>…tears already welling up in her eyes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “already”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>…tears welling up in her eyes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I declined pointing out that he was still in school.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Add comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I declined, pointing out that he was still in school.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I didn't mention that not only did I have no desire to be a preacher's wife, I also didn't believe the same way.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Revise wording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I had no desire to be a preacher's wife, and I didn't believe the same way, but I didn’t mention this.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Plus, I had met and gone out with Tom,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Revise wording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Plus, I had been dating Tom,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>I don't know. I like Tom. I just don't hit it off with him as well as with don. On the other hand, he is of the same faith and isn't studying to be a preacher. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>I wasn’t sure. I liked Tom. But I didn’t hit it off with him as well as with don. On the other hand, Tom was of the same faith and wasn’t studying to be a preacher. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Or:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“I don't know. I like Tom. I just don't hit it off with him as well as with don. On the other hand, he is of the same faith and isn't studying to be a preacher. “<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider separating into chapters<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Enough material for a book!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>1<sup>st</sup> person narrative switch to future husband’s point of view makes a difficult transition. Put his thoughts into his own chapter or somehow say you later became aware of his feelings which were…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna “Amber Eyes”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>A strap with a loop at the end slipped between her front legs through which I threaded a girth strap with a buckle hanging down on her right side and attached that buckle to the free end of the strap hanging down on her left. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too wordy, confusing:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I became familiar with her complicated harness, threading the girth strap through a loop then attaching the buckle on her right to the free end of the strap hanging down on her left. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Praise was her reward for stopping at a curb, set of stairs, tight spot, broken pavement or other obstacle that required me to take some action. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Delete “some”:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Praise was her reward for stopping at a curb, set of stairs, tight spot, broken pavement or other obstacle that required me to take action. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I had to communicate this information to Tammy in a series of right, left and forward, commands. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma after “forward”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I had to communicate this information to Tammy in a series of right, left and forward commands. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I had to regulate our speed by directing her to quicken her pace with a hup-up or slow her down with a steady. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Need quotes:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I had to regulate our speed by directing her to quicken her pace with a “hup-up” or slow her down with a “steady.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'> praise praise praise her<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use commas:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Praise, praise, praise her<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Except for two weeklong stints at a summer camp for blind children, I had previously had only a very limited exposure to other blind people. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many hads:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Except for two weeklong stints at a summer camp for blind children, I previously had only limited exposure to other blind people. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>and an assortment of games to fill any leisure time. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “any”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>and an assortment of games to fill leisure time. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Maureen hated having to respond to Snookie. Mr. Wright, a large gruff ex-marine had a comparable problem when he had to obey commands directed to Mimi. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Put dog names in quotes since they are calling the name:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Maureen hated having to respond to “Snookie.” And Mr. Wright, a large gruff ex-marine had a comparable problem when he had to obey commands directed to “Mimi.” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She wasn’t taking any chances, of losing me, now that she had decided I belonged to her alone. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Delete comma:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She wasn’t taking any chances of losing me, now that she had decided I belonged to her alone. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>There were so many lessons for us both there never seemed to be enough time in the day. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Punctuation:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>There were so many lessons for each of us; there never seemed to be enough time in the day. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Perhaps consider separate chapter on dorm life, classmates etc. Limit this one to the dog and training experience.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Only use actual names if they contribute personally to the story (resurface in a later chapter); otherwise describe by profession, other characteristics or first name only unless you want to bother obtaining their permission.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Mary-Jo “The Intercourse”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>information regardless of how it was acquired, was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>information, regardless of how it was acquired, was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Over the summer, we visited our relatives in California.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert “had”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Over the summer, we had visited our relatives in California.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>eight-year-old mind<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>discrepancy?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>EEEEEEU!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>In quotes?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“EEEEEEU!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>my mother seemed to have become speechless.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “seemed to”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>my mother was speechless.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I could feel her stunned silence like possible trouble but I didn't know where it came from.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I felt her stunned silence meant trouble, but I didn't know why.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I tried to remember what Christy read. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert “had”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I tried to remember what Christy had read. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Kevin “A Dirty Contribution”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>A fain pleasantly thrumming current was underlying the atmosphere at this year's autumn family gathering.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reword<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>A faint pleasant current was thrumming, underlying the atmosphere at this year's autumn family gathering.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>no one dared to speak of it out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Omit “to”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>no one dared speak of it out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Her oversized yellow plastic bowl was the first to be proudly set on the table. it just kept<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize “I” in it”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Her oversized yellow plastic bowl was the first to be proudly set on the table. It just kept<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Cousin Lily and cousin Bee placed their pots of smokey collard greens next to each other as if tacitly agreeing to a sisterly peace treaty based on geometry to their ongoing fiercely contested cooking competition.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reword:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Cousin Lily and cousin Bee placed competing pots of smokey collard greens next to each other, tacitly agreeing to a sisterly peace treaty based on geometry,, despite their ongoing fierce cooking battle.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reggie's girlfriend Ella, the micro-mini skirt wearing, self appointed home interior expert was effusive in her praise of the new gaudy decor.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma placement:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reggie's girlfriend Ella, the micro-mini skirt wearing, self-appointed home interior expert, was effusive in her praise of the new gaudy decor.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>The plastic seat covered plaid davenport, wicker framed tables and tropical print draperies were all applauded as innovative and bold. Thanks to mail order convenience and monthly payment plans.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wording, incomplete sentence:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>The davenport seat covered in plaid plastic, wicker framed tables, and tropical print draperies were applauded as innovative and bold; the new look thanks to mail order convenience and monthly payment plans.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>As the evening progressed, there were twin preoccupations on the remaining sober minds. A slowly growing giddy relief at the consistent happy tidings along with a cliched attitude of the other shoe dropping in anticipation.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Simplify<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>As the evening progressed, there were competing preoccupations on the remaining sober minds – giddy relief grew slowly along with the sharing of happy tidings, while dread also grew as they anticipated the cliched other shoe dropping.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>