[Critique Group 1] my comments for the 6/14/17 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for Kevin 
This is a delightful little piece.
I can immediately put myself into the scene.
I get the sense from the start that no one wants to be at this traditional family gathering.
You show the typical human behavior at these types of affairs.
Rather than saying the potato salad is bland and watery, perhaps you can show this by someone describing it as pale with none of the red, black, & green bits that would suggest that it has anything in it to add flavor.
You might have another or the same attendee remark 
Why does Aunt Sally always bring that horrible potato salad. No one will eat any of it and tomorrow we will have to listen to her complain about slaving over a hot stove for a week and spending half the grocery budget to make it and no one even had the curtesy to appreciate it.
containers at these affairs usually have a name on the bottom so everyone can reclaim their dish
Does someone try to unobtrusively lift one or both bowls to see which is Lily's and which is  Bee's?
Or, does the checker discover it is a blind taste test.
Do we have a family member that is sensitive to feelings and will make sure at least one helping is taken from every dish?
I love the image we get from Lenny
Lenny is quite a scoundrel suggesting that he picked up his contribution from the trash bin.
This not only gives him the perfect exit opportunity, but he now has the left overs for himself plus a chuckle at the gullibility of the attendees.
Maybe we could see a mischievous grin on Lennie's face as he takes a bite of the chicken.
Rather than the current ending, 
He has already shown his disdain for the family gathering. I don't think we need to hear him say he never comes.
You could insert a parenthetical phrase in the previous sentence about his glean close that he never comes.
It's not in the story, but I envision Lenny getting into his car to leave.
what if as he gets in his car we see Lenny take a nibble on his cake and saying something like, Guess I'll just have to eat the rest of this dirty ol contribution myself.
He then chuckles as He sets it back in the clean original box he kept just for this occasion showing the reader it was all a ruse.

[comments for Deanna
I feel so sorry for this poor dog whose life has been disrupted by being abandoned by the person she loves and trusts and 
being forced into obedience to a stranger who corrects her for mistakes and has no compassion for her grief.
I feel sorry for the handler who sees the dogs distress and is herself being forced to be strict with a dog whose pain she feels.
At first I was wondering what form the praise took. was it a hug? "good dog" then finally 3 or 4 paragraphs down you mention that quiet command and soft words of praise began to come natural.
If you could work this into the previous part, maybe taking the reader step by step through what you and the dog are doing, we could walk along with you and the dog experiencing it as we go.
This would help the transition to feelings of confidence and success in working with your dog to the discussion of who the other people there are.
However, this part almost doesn't fit. We are finding out about your and tammy's work together then we leave that to hear about the other people there and then back to you and tammy.
Then we come back to the progress of training and acceptance.
These transitions are awkward I think.
You might start out with a brief intro about Tammy and her willingness to work and how she calms down then talk about the other students at the school and your new roommate.
then work with the dog
then compare notes with Maureen 
The first part of the dining room incident could be more show than tell.
Instead of telling the reader what is happening, describe it as it happens. And I couldn't help but laugh at the retrieval of the breakfast sausage.
Describe that the harnesses are too stiff for prolonged wear and remove then before settling the dogs. 
Maybe you remark to each other about the dogs being former kennel mates and now you and betty are first time students at the same school.
Then the subtle movements and the escalation to the climax of the event followed by how to prevent and stay on top of potential problems.
I love the sausage retrieval at breakfast.
I love the bonding between you and Tammy.
There is so much information in this piece.
I find it very informative as I consider whether I should pursue getting a guide dog myself.

[comments for Marsha
With the 2 dog pieces this time, I am amazed at all the things the handler and the dog have to keep in mind and am amazed that the dog can understand all the signals and sort out the potential wrong instructions.
What is Vivi doing to show her eagerness on the second trip out after bundling up more?
I think a new paragraph each time there is a new event would be good
Even though it is the same person talking, it is a new event so a new paragraph is appropriate, I think.
I guess it is because I don't know much about guide dogs.
It was well into the story before I realized the Kibbles and water bottle mentioned early just before going out were a treat for Vivi and a water bottle for you that you were taking along with you.
I don't understand the system for rewarding the dog. Why sometimes she deserves a treat and other times not.
What does the no thank you mean?
again, As I continue to think about whether or not to try to get a guide dog for myself, I find these pieces very helpful.

[comments for Mary joe
I suppose how and when to introduce children to what will soon become an inescapable reality in their lives is an age old problem.
I remember my first introduction to this subject was scary and confusing.
I think dialog would help rather than just telling what each of you thought and said when reading the book.
TV blaring? It seems odd you would have the TV on loud for that program.
Your mother asks what you know about the intercourse. Did you say something and call it that first?
Later your mother says she thought the book was about periods
At the end, you  decide not to think about it.
Deciding not to think about it is not a conclusion.
What is the purpose of this essay?
Is your message to children reading this? 
Do you want to encourage them to be honest about their feelings when talking to a parent or guardian about sex?
To let them know that it is natural to feel confused and uncertain and that the adult will understand and not get mad if they mention something like them talking about the adults doing it?
of course, this is a bit of a fantasy since the adult may feel as uncertain about what to do as they are.
Is your message to parents?
Do you want to encourage them to make sure they know what is in any material they give to a child to read?
What is your message to a parent who is thinking about what to tell their child about sex?
If the adult thinks back, they may remember their own confusion when first introduced to this subject and may be able to use that to help them decide how to talk to the child.