[Critique Group 1] Crique for 6-14-2017 from D.Q.N.

[DQ Noriega]

Sorry this is so late in coming. 

Cleora,

Conflicts of the Heart,

(Don sat in front of me) Perhaps facing me, or across from me.

                (is hand) should be"his hand"

(sent the child support) Perhaps "sent child support"

(I was down to 98 pounds after the divorce and all the stress.) Perhaps,
"after the divorce and all of the stress involved, I had dropped down to
weighing 98 pounds."

(sat it down) perhaps, "put or placed itin front of me." This refers to the
milk shake.

(I had two kids) should be changed to (had kids) so as not to repeat two
kids so close together. 

You have a stranger bumping in to the little girl but Paul taking the blame.
This is a little unclear.

You have Don aware that she has concerns over the fact that they are of
different faiths and then she brings it up later. I would leave his thoughts
out until they discuss the issue.He could explain his doubts then.

Perhaps you could have the kids sent up to the roof before the discussion
and then the kids urging her to say yes part after the kids return.

This is a gentle old fashioned story that might be of interest to a women's
magazine.

 

Kevin,

A Dirty Contribution

Perhaps change the title to something like "Uncle Lenny's Pound Cake"

Otherwise, I liked it. Funny and downhome.

 

Marcia,

Two Good Eyes and Six Strong Legs

"Crack? I at first thought she had run you into a tree and was confused by
why you praised her. I would leave this out and begin with the line: "Close
your eyes,

I would leave out the word bushy and make the list ofobjects the dog signals
separated by commas instead of a string of (ands.)

(encroaching the sidewalk) I would add "on the sidewalk"

This is a good description of walking with a guide dog. It might be a
difference in school protocols, but I am used to using "Hup-UP" to encourage
a dog to pick up the pace and you use it a lot instead of forward to get her
moving. 

Perhaps using it a little less would seem less repetitious. 

 

Mary JO,

The Intercourse

This captures the innocence of childhood.

I doubt that children today are as sheltered or uninformed. This topic was
difficult for my own mother explain. I remember her broaching the topic
while I was having an appendicitis attack. She thought I was experiencing
pre-menustral cramps. She had three more years to polish her speech!
Excellent work.

 

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