[Critique Group 1] Comments for Cleora

[Mary-Jo Lord]

blind attention deficit disorder

 

This is a piece that we can relate to. The line about care givers needing
care givers made me chuckle. 

 

You could eliminate the words "Then" and :"So" from some sentences. You
could also fix some run on sentences.

 

In this example I eliminated the word "so" and fixed the run on.

 

Also, I considered that maybe I could just mow the little spot myself. So, I
went out to the garage and found the lawn mower and electric cord and went
out and found the end of the hose and moved it so I wouldn't run over it,
plugged in one of the cords, got it plugged into my lawn mower, hit the
button and was rewarded with the sound of the mower starting up.  

 

Here it is revised.

 

Also, I considered that maybe I could just mow the little spot myself. I
went out to the garage and found the lawn mower and electric cord. I found
the end of the hose and moved it so I wouldn't run over it, plugged in one
of the cords, got it plugged into my lawn mower, hit the button and was
rewarded with the sound of the mower starting up.  

 

Here is an example of how you could eliminate a "then."

 

Then, I decided to go down as far as possible along the side of the house. I
got most of the way to the gate before running out of cord. Then, when I got
back to the drive it seemed that my cord was tangled in my mower wheel and
suddenly the mower stopped.  

 

Revised version:

 

Then I decided to go down as far as possible along the side of the house. I
got most of the way to the gate before running out of cord. When I got back
to the drive it seemed that my cord was tangled in my mower wheel and
suddenly the mower stopped.  

 

This is a humorous piece.

 

Kate mentioned that you might want to work this into a Pantoum.

 

Here is the link to my article on the Pantoum from the Spring/Summer edition
of Magnets and Ladders.

 

http://www.magnetsandladders.org/wp/?p=103

 

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