[Critique Group 2] critiques from October meeting for Group 2

[Alice Massa]

Dear Group 2 writer friends--and patient friends,

Alas!Below are my comments from our critique session on October 29.

1.Brad poem "The Pastures of Summer"

What a wonderful title that will certainly draw in many readers to the poem!

I suggest changing the period to a comma after:

"holy day of Litha,"

This poem has a good opening segment to draw readers into a promised 
adventure.

Once again, I suggest changing a period to a comma after the following 
two lines:

"I rode forth,"

"stretching to the far horizon,"

Add commas around the strong and descriptive parenthetical phrase:

"a barrier, like a thickening of air,"

Place comma after:

"still as we rode on,"

This lovely "winter-to-summer" poem ends effectively with a quotation 
from Litha.

Thanks to your poetic effort, I learnedmore about Litha.

** 2.Joan's poem "Kaddish"

This poem effectively and creatively uses a three-part organization.

A highly poetic and interesting line is:

"drop down into crystals of unformed glass"

Part one deals with the rhythm of life.

In the first line of Part 2, delete the first word: "and."

An outstanding line is:

"prism of mystic moonlight"

Like the poem, we learn or realize that prayer has rhythm.

In Part 3, the reader encounters the unique phrase of "birthing and 
burying."

"Dancing and dreaming" is another creative paired incorporated into this 
poem.

A later theme touched on in this poem is of "children going and returning"

The prayer poem ends reverently with "in your abundant name."

3. Leonard's poem "I Remember Schindler"

While I realize the quotations may not be exact--direct quotations--some 
poetic license may be considered so that quotation marks will facilitate 
the reading.

I suggest deleting the "ing" to switch from the participle to the 
present tense of the verb in the following:

"defending it" to "defend"

"protecting" to "protect it"

Consider:

"Will I then be a patriot?"OR

"Would I then be a patriot?"

A hyphen may be needed in the following:

"great grandchildren" to "great-grandchildren"

Consider changing "And" at onset of line to "Also" as follows:

Also, I think of whistleblowers."

This political poem meets its purpose of persuasion.

4.Valerie's poem "Nine"

An outstanding simile of this poem is:

"brown autumn leaves gather like memories"

How interesting that the poet chose brown autumn leaves, rather than 
crimson, orange, or gold!

A couple of bad line breaks are probably due to the Net-by-phone system

The final line of the poem is, as usual for this poet, very good.

With the title of "Nine," I am prompted to suggest a similar poem in the 
form of a diamonte, with the ninth line being the middle line and having 
eight lines above and below this mid-line #9.

This poem effectively explores the theme of how the survivor changes 
while one wonders if the one lost remains exactly the same as last seen 
on Earth; the reader is prompted to ponder the years spent apart.

This relatively simple poem is made powerful and special with its tender 
and thought-provoking qualities.

* * *

At this time of Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for our sharing of poetry 
and other writings last month, the past years, tonight, and in the 
future.Thanks for all of the stimulating conversations and all of your 
critiques!

Until later this evening,

sending you all a cornucopia of wonderful wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving,

Alice--and Willow, too!

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

November 21, 2019, Thursday

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