[Critique Group 2] my comments about your February 26 pieces

[Alice Massa]

(995 words)


HappySt. Patrick's Day, Group Two:

Alas, please find below my comments concerning your pieces presented on 
February 26, 2019.

1.Valerie's poem:"Wilderness II"

I like your title, and the Roman numerals make the title unique.

What a great first line!

"As fragile as fancy glass" is a good simile with alliteration."The 
"fancy" description makes this simile stand out.

I like the phrase "spiritual inventory."

Check for a line break after "I find shelves bare"; "others" should 
begin a new poetic line.

The following line is highly descriptive:

"condensation of pain unchallenged."

Like the poem, the coined word "grief-work" is intriguing and impressive.

2.Joan's poem "Small Talk"

Like the topic of this poem, the length of the poem is appropriately short.

If one chooses to use minimal punctuation, the punctuation should be 
used in a more consistent way; nevertheless, once again, I must confess 
to loving proper punctuation--my well-known bias.Adding quotation marks 
would be important to this piece.

I do like this poem's attention-grabbing opening.

What a good list of what the poet has been doing!

"Becoming" is a superb ending for the listing.

"A little writing.And you?" makes for a great conclusion.

This very short poem is packed with reflections and thought-provoking 
content.As with many short poems, one can enjoy reading this poem over 
and over.What a memorable piece!

Whenever I used to try to write a short poem, I would try to channel my 
inner Emily Dickinson and Valerie; now, I must add Joan to this list of 
writers of short poems that inspire me to write shorter poems.

3.Leonard's short story "Art and Character"

I greatly appreciate Leonard's note about this piece being a "first 
draft," but heavily edited.Well, I would not consider the piece a 
"first" draft.

I agree with the writer that the title may need to be changed to better 
suit the intriguing story.

The first sentence needs a semicolon prior to the word "for."

The touches of humorous and clever writing add significantly to the 
quality of this piece.

"3000th birthday"

"Fellow immortal"

The present participial phrase "trying not to be obvious" needs to be 
nearer its modifier--thus, at the beginning of the sentence.

For quotations within quotation--quote(s) within a quote--the double 
quotation marks are on the outside of the quoted material while the 
single quotation marks are inside the double-quoted passage; thus, the 
single quotes are for the quote within a quote.

I did wait for days to tell you that I thought the pet of Lord Forester 
should be "Dogwood."

Due to the commas within the independent clauses, you need to change the 
comma to a semicolon after the word "flapping."

Consider changing "said" to "asked in:

"Doesn't that feel better?" she said.

Revise to avoid unnecessary "It":

"It took over an hour to reach Lord Forester's castle ...."

Over an hour later, they finally arrived at Forester's castle ....

The way Master Artisan anticipates what Forester will say and the manner 
in which he catches himself in saying such words becomes humorous.

The part about "interior decorator" was clever.

Change comma to dash:

--maybe a big part.

That Master Artisan could stay only 30 to 50 years was amusing.

The passage with "sap" and "heartwood" was clever; I like the word 
"heartwood."

No comma is needed in the following:

"I'll admit that is a big part ...."

Once again, we enjoy the versatility of this writer.What a 
repertoire!What a portfolio!I might have guessed that this piece had 
been written by Brad--but the pen of Leonard strikes again with 
cleverness, humor, and intrigue.

4.Brad's essay:"Staying True to your Art"

Consider revising the title for point of view:since your piece focuses 
on your own art, I suggest "Staying True to My Art."

Your using Charlie Daniels' career as a point of comparison/contrast is 
interesting.I especially like the mention of Mr. Daniels' memoir NEVER 
LOOK AT THE EMPTY SEATS.What superb advice!

Place a comma after the following introductory dependent clause:

"When I began it, ..."

The title of an album (or CD) is treated like the title of a book:that 
is, in MLA Style, the album title is in italicized print.The title of a 
song, like the title of a chapter (when used as a reference), is placed 
within double quotation marks.

Be certain that each pronoun has a clear antecedent.

Change "they" to

The latter albums

Another pronoun with an unclear antecedent is "This" in the following:

"This continued throughout his career."

Insert a set of commas around the transitional word "however":

I do believe, however, that ...."

For a better transition, flip around the sentence so that it reads:

"Like Charlie Daniels, I have pursued my career with dedication."

Delete the following "delay phrase":

"It should be noted that"

The remainder of the sentence can well stand alone as a complete and 
more direct sentence.

If you choose to develop this piece into an essay for a more general 
audience, some content revisions for focus on target audience would be 
necessary.

In listed items one and three, "While" should not begin a new 
sentence:delete the period and combine the sentence and fragment into 
one sentence.

In item four, delete the following delay phrase:

"It is that"

Compassion and healing should not be attributed only to females.

In the final section, the first and second sentences appear to be a 
fragment.

You could either keep this piece as a listing and guide for only your 
own purpose, or you could revise the piece into an essay for a more 
general audience.

While I understand why you wanted us to read this piece, I think this 
effort is not really a piece for a critique group's typical work.

* * *

Talk with you all on Thursday when we will be in the midst of spring!

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

March 17, 2019, Sunday

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