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<p class="MsoNormal">Happy<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>St.
Patrick's
Day, Group Two:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Alas,
please find below my comments concerning your pieces presented
on February 26,
2019.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie's
poem:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Wilderness II"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like your title, and the Roman numerals
make the title
unique.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a great first line!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"As fragile as fancy glass" is a good simile
with
alliteration.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"The
"fancy" description makes this simile stand out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like the phrase "spiritual inventory."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Check for a line break after "I find shelves
bare"; "others" should begin a new poetic line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The following line is highly descriptive:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"condensation of pain unchallenged."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like the poem, the coined word "grief-work"
is
intriguing and impressive.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Joan's
poem
"Small Talk"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like the topic of this poem, the length of
the poem is
appropriately short.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If one chooses to use minimal punctuation,
the punctuation
should be used in a more consistent way; nevertheless, once
again, I must
confess to loving proper punctuation--my well-known bias.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Adding quotation marks
would be important to
this piece.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do like this poem's attention-grabbing
opening.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a good list of what the poet has been
doing!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Becoming" is a superb ending for the
listing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"A little writing.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>And you?" makes for a great conclusion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This very short poem is packed with
reflections and
thought-provoking content.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>As
with many
short poems, one can enjoy reading this poem over and over.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What a memorable piece!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whenever I used to try to write a short poem,
I would try to
channel my inner Emily Dickinson and Valerie; now, I must add
Joan to this list
of writers of short poems that inspire me to write shorter
poems.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard's
short
story "Art and Character"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I greatly appreciate Leonard's note about
this piece being a
"first draft," but heavily edited.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Well, I would not consider the piece a "first" draft.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I agree with the writer that the title may
need to be
changed to better suit the intriguing story.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The first sentence needs a semicolon prior to
the word
"for."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The touches of humorous and clever writing
add significantly
to the quality of this piece.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"3000th birthday"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Fellow immortal"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The present participial phrase "trying not to
be
obvious" needs to be nearer its modifier--thus, at the beginning
of the
sentence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For quotations within quotation--quote(s)
within a
quote--the double quotation marks are on the outside of the
quoted material
while the single quotation marks are inside the double-quoted
passage; thus,
the single quotes are for the quote within a quote.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I did wait for days to tell you that I
thought the pet of
Lord Forester should be "Dogwood."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to the commas within the independent
clauses, you need
to change the comma to a semicolon after the word "flapping."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider changing "said" to "asked in:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Doesn't that feel better?" she said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Revise to avoid unnecessary "It":</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It took over an hour to reach Lord
Forester's castle
...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Over an hour later, they finally arrived at
Forester's
castle ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The way Master Artisan anticipates what
Forester will say
and the manner in which he catches himself in saying such words
becomes
humorous.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The part about "interior decorator" was
clever.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change comma to dash:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">--maybe a big part.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That Master Artisan could stay only 30 to 50
years was
amusing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The passage with "sap" and "heartwood"
was clever; I like the word "heartwood."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">No comma is needed in the following:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll admit that is a big part ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once again, we enjoy the versatility of this
writer.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What a
repertoire!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What a
portfolio!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I might have
guessed that this piece had been
written by Brad--but the pen of Leonard strikes again with
cleverness, humor,
and intrigue.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad's
essay:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Staying True to
your Art"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider revising the title for point of
view:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>since your piece
focuses on your own art, I
suggest "Staying True to My Art."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Your using Charlie Daniels' career as a point
of
comparison/contrast is interesting.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
especially like the mention of Mr. Daniels' memoir NEVER LOOK AT
THE EMPTY
SEATS.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What superb
advice!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a comma after the following
introductory dependent
clause:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"When I began it, ..."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The title of an album (or CD) is treated like
the title of a
book:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>that is, in MLA
Style, the album
title is in italicized print.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
title
of a song, like the title of a chapter (when used as a
reference), is placed
within double quotation marks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Be certain that each pronoun has a clear
antecedent.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "they" to</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The latter albums</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another pronoun with an unclear antecedent is
"This" in the following:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This continued throughout his career."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Insert a set of commas around the
transitional word
"however":</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do believe, however, that ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For a better transition, flip around the
sentence so that it
reads:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Like Charlie Daniels, I have pursued my
career with
dedication."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Delete the following "delay phrase":</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It should be noted that"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The remainder of the sentence can well stand
alone as a
complete and more direct sentence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you choose to develop this piece into an
essay for a more
general audience, some content revisions for focus on target
audience would be
necessary.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In listed items one and three, "While" should
not
begin a new sentence:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>delete
the period
and combine the sentence and fragment into one sentence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In item four, delete the following delay
phrase:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It is that"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compassion and healing should not be
attributed only to
females.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the final section, the first and second
sentences appear
to be a fragment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You could either keep this piece as a listing
and guide for only
your own purpose, or you could revise the piece into an essay
for a more
general audience.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While I understand why you wanted us to read
this piece, I
think this effort is not really a piece for a critique group's
typical
work.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Talk with you all on Thursday when we will be
in the midst
of spring!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:ajm321kh@wi.rr.com">ajm321kh@wi.rr.com</a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">March 17, 2019, Sunday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
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