[Critique Group 2] my comments about your January pieces, 751 words

[Alice Massa]

Wintry Greetings to Group Two Writers!

Please find below my comments concerning your pieces shared for the 
January 31, 2019 critique session.

1.Valerie:"Harmony"

This poem includes a very effective use of lines which contain only one 
word.The "hearing/music/never" lines heighten the dramatic effect.

Although I usually advise avoiding a preposition at the onset of an 
acrostic line, the poem's line "of love" works in "Harmony" and displays 
inner rhyme.

Thanks for another fine example of a short and sweet poem which is not 
repetitive of prior work.

The great quality of a short poem is that like a Pringle's potato chip, 
one cannot resist reading the poem more than once--indeed, many times.

2.Joan:"The Final Good-bye"

As we welcome you to our critique group, you give us a wonderful and 
strong poem to read.

"When sleep masquerades as the final good-bye" is such a thoughtful, 
wonderfully poetic, and memorable line.

Consider placing together on one line the phrase "optical illusion."

Also, Consider placing together on one line:"clap your hands."

I like the magical touch expressed in the line:

"Fairies will dance again."

What an interesting, intriguing line!(Below)

"Death is only a childish prank."

While the poem stands well as initially presented, the additional lines 
are worthwhile and provide an effective ending to the poem.The extra 
lines will probably give the reader a greater sense of "reader 
satisfaction."

3.Leonard:"Waiting for the Snow"

While I really like this title, I perceive that the content of the poem 
reveals that the snow has already arrived.

The following clause needs to be nearer its modifier:

"that casts their stark, sharp shadow"

However, the repetition of the "ar" sounds and the alliterative quality 
of the "sh" sounds add to the creative qualities of this poetic line.

Due to another modifier issue, consider changing "stoking" to "stoked."

Change "holding" to "holds" in:

"Today's overcast sky

holds the seeds of snow to come."

Due to an introductory prepositional phrase, place a comma as follows:

"In the summertime of my life,"

Oh, what a great line is:

"Youth is made for flinging and falling,/

into a future too bright to see."

"Midsummer's dream" is an unnecessary phrase.

Revise to avoid a shift of tone, as well as a cliche:

"Slipping on ice is nice ...."

Save the following line for a different poem:

"When bruises brought reason for laughter,"

Consider the following revised passage:

"Now in my subdued, wiser years,

[Leave out the next three lines.]

I can soak up the quiet."

This poem should be a great submission for the fall/winter issue of 
MAGNETS AND LADDERS.

4.Brad's poem:"The Violation of Gaia"

Thanks for what is, for me, an educational poem:I was pleased to learn 
about Gaia.

This poem has a great first line.

Add a comma in the following series:

"stark, desolate land"

Consider commas in a series, as follows:

"tarnished, filthy, steel bowl,"

In the above phrase, a comma or a dash is needed after "bowl," due to 
the ending of an introductory present participial phrase.

What superb description of the sky!

Change "Accept" to "Except" and add a comma at the end of the following 
introductory prepositional phrase:

"Except for the wind,"

After the word "debris," change the semicolon to a comma.

Check commas in series:

"unidentifiable, functionless, and broken"

Set off parenthetical phrase with a set of commas:

"The once extensive ocean, gone or congealed,

Change period to comma after the following to avoid a fragment:

"Once a world teaming with life,"

Once again, this poem demonstrates a vast vocabulary which stretches the 
knowledge of the reader.

My one question about content concernsthe references to the nonexistence 
of history.To have some of the lines which show contrast, one would have 
to have a memory of or other knowledge of what the history was.

Besides reflecting the poet's fascination with Greek mythology, this 
poem certainly prompts the reader to realize how much work went into the 
crafting of this creative work.

I do wonder what literary publication, other than M & L, would consider 
this piece for publication.I do imagine there are some, but I do not 
know them without some researching.I think this poet should do the 
research to find "homes" for such poems as this one.

* * *

Looking forward to our discussion on Tuesday evening, February 26!

Enjoy the weekend!

Alice and Willow

February 22, 2019, Friday--Happy President Washington's Birthday!Let us 
eat cake!

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