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<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wintry Greetings to Group Two Writers!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Please
find
below my comments concerning your pieces shared for the January
31, 2019 critique
session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Harmony"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem includes a very effective use of
lines which
contain only one word.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
"hearing/music/never"
lines heighten the dramatic effect.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although I usually advise avoiding a
preposition at the
onset of an acrostic line, the poem's line "of love" works in
"Harmony" and displays inner rhyme.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thanks for another fine example of a short
and sweet poem
which is not repetitive of prior work.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The great quality of a short poem is that
like a Pringle's
potato chip, one cannot resist reading the poem more than
once--indeed, many
times.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Joan:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"The Final Good-bye"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>As
we
welcome you to our critique group, you give us a wonderful and
strong poem to
read.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"When sleep masquerades as the final
good-bye" is
such a thoughtful, wonderfully poetic, and memorable line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider placing together on one line the
phrase
"optical illusion."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Also, Consider placing together on one line:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"clap your hands."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like the magical touch expressed in the
line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Fairies will dance again."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What an interesting, intriguing line!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(Below)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Death is only a childish prank."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While the poem stands well as initially
presented, the additional
lines are worthwhile and provide an effective ending to the
poem.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The extra lines
will probably give the reader
a greater sense of "reader satisfaction."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Waiting for the Snow"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While I really like this title, I perceive
that the content
of the poem reveals that the snow has already arrived.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The following clause needs to be nearer its
modifier:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"that casts their stark, sharp shadow"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">However, the repetition of the "ar" sounds
and the
alliterative quality of the "sh" sounds add to the creative
qualities
of this poetic line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to another modifier issue, consider
changing
"stoking" to "stoked."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "holding" to "holds" in:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Today's overcast sky </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">holds the seeds of snow to come."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to an introductory prepositional phrase,
place a comma
as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"In the summertime of my life,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, what a great line is:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Youth is made for flinging and falling,/</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">into a future too bright to see."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Midsummer's dream" is an unnecessary phrase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Revise to avoid a shift of tone, as well as a
cliche:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Slipping on ice is nice ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Save the following line for a different poem:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"When bruises brought reason for laughter,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider the following revised passage:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Now in my subdued, wiser years,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Leave out the next three lines.]</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I can soak up the quiet."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem should be a great submission for
the fall/winter
issue of MAGNETS AND LADDERS.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad's
poem:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"The Violation of
Gaia"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thanks for what is, for me, an educational
poem:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I was pleased to
learn about Gaia.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem has a great first line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Add a comma in the following series:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"stark, desolate land"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider commas in a series, as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"tarnished, filthy, steel bowl,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the above phrase, a comma or a dash is
needed after
"bowl," due to the ending of an introductory present participial
phrase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What superb description of the sky!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "Accept" to "Except" and add a
comma at the end of the following introductory prepositional
phrase:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Except for the wind,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the word "debris," change the semicolon
to a
comma.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Check commas in series:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"unidentifiable, functionless, and broken"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Set off parenthetical phrase with a set of
commas:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"The once extensive ocean, gone or congealed,
</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change period to comma after the following to
avoid a
fragment:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Once a world teaming with life,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once again, this poem demonstrates a vast
vocabulary which
stretches the knowledge of the reader.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My one question about content concerns<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>the references to the
nonexistence of
history.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>To have some of
the lines which
show contrast, one would have to have a memory of or other
knowledge of what
the history was.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Besides reflecting the poet's fascination
with Greek
mythology, this poem certainly prompts the reader to realize how
much work went
into the crafting of this creative work.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do wonder what literary publication, other
than M & L,
would consider this piece for publication.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>I do imagine there are some, but I do not know them
without some researching.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
think this poet should do the research to
find "homes" for such poems as this one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Looking forward to our discussion on Tuesday
evening,
February 26!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Enjoy the weekend!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice and Willow</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">February 22, 2019, Friday--Happy President
Washington's
Birthday!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Let us eat
cake!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
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