[Critique Group 2] Leonar's comments on Joan's sub for April

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I made a lot of suggestions, 



but when I finished I decided you should ignoreall of them.



Technically speaking, the suggestions hold somemerit, but taken as a whole,  theydetract from the flavor.  



When making a soup, sometimes you throw things inwithout knowing quite why, 




 


but they just make it taste better.  



The poem, as it stands, creates an experience. 



It does so beautifully, even though  the experience is not one I would wish onanyone



.Keep writing the way you write.




 


After I made all of my comments, and several dayslater , 



it occurred to me that you  were probably writing about your recentloss.  



Under those circumstances, my comments seeminsensitive.  



I decided to leave them   as they are because if they treat the poem purelyas a litterary piece.  There might bevalue in that.




 


Gone Away




 


The undertakerhas gone away.



Mama is restingin the parlor.



And what woulddaddy say?



This is all toomuch for her.




 


But I walk in adream,



What does ‘but’ negate? Maybe you should ditch it.




 


some strangeSouthern lady



Who stillinhabits her family home



with her widowedmother and sisters.




 


Our brother isgone,



Consider , “Our brother Ned is gone.”  



Elliminate the last line in this stanza.  



Actually, you don’t have to name the brother atall. 



No other family members are named  




 


taken away in thenew blue suit



Jimmy Robbinspicked out for him.



Our brother ned.



A case can be made for this last emphasis line. 



Consider Using an adjective  describing the brother  like , ‘Our young brother . 



In that way this last line wouldn’t seem  so unnecessary . 



It would be felt like another nail in the coffin, 



or an emphasis to the dazed state of the writer.




 


And likememories, words



Arguably, you don’t need ‘and’.




 


swwirl into me



I love these two lines.




 


As I sit in thedining room



sipping lemonade.



This verse is very powerful. I’m there  and I can sense  the emotional ambiance.




 


The undertakerhas gone away,



and Ned iswearing his new blue suit.



What would Daddysay?



This is all toomuch




 

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