[Critique Group 2] critique for Brad's September piece

[Alice Massa]

2.Brad's poem:"Ode to the Goddess Guanyin"

Revise line three (second couplet) to avoid a fragment.

Concerning Sudhana, the third couplet is a great one.Overall, I admire 
the use of the couplet form of this poem.

"Fragrant mountain" and "soothing fountain" are appealing phrases of 
this poem.

Place a colon after "work of being."

Change:

Thus, all my time to quest and seek ....

to:

Thus, all I do is quest and seek to find you on fragrant mountain peak.

Use semicolon or colon as follows:

Upon that day, all suffering will end:

Consider the following revision:

With your compassion, every heart will mend.

Place a comma after "release."

I fear we have given this poet a case of "and-itis."The "and" in this 
poem is fine.

I admire this poet's knowledge of mythology and how he uses this 
knowledge in writing of poetry.

While this poet's prior submission was a better performance poem, this 
submission is a better crafted poem.

Today the couplet form is often used for lighter verse or for children's 
poetry; thus, reading the couplet form of this poet's previous poem and 
this poem demonstrates the versatility of the couplet form.

* * *

Many thanks to each of you for your suggestions and comments about my 
September submission.

Talk with you soon--Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

October 25, 2018, Thursday

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