[Critique Group 2] critiques from September 27, belatedly yours!

[Alice Massa]

(447 words)

Dear Group Two Writers,

Thank you for your patience during the past four weeks.UGH!Could I be 
any later?Please finally find below my comments on the pieces from our 
September 27 critique session.

With hopes of doing better next time,

Alice

1.Valerie's poem:"Diligence"

Add a colon after the word "task."

Consider changing "readying" to "readies."

This poem contains a superb example of spelling out a word by the use of 
hyphens:"s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s" added greatly to the description of this cat.

What a perfect (or "purr-fect") kitty portrait in words?

This poem also demonstrates well the full-circle writing technique.

So well-groomed, this "short-haired" poem is ready for publication in 
CAT FANCY magazine.

3.Abbie's poem:"Halloween Disaster"

Add a hyphen in the phrase "fifth-grade classroom."

Since in recent years, pumpkin flavoring in a wide variety of foods and 
beverages has become so popular, please keep in mind that many people 
most likely find pumpkin to be a pleasant fragrance.Thus, "stench" may 
be a stronger word than necessary for today's readers.

Place a period after "innards" so that the next sentence begins with 
"AS" and so that a too lengthy sentence is avoided.

Consider changing the word "bathroom" to "restroom."

One tagline--"I asked"--is unnecessary.

This poem demonstrates an unusual full-circle technique by going from 
the pumpkins' innards to Abbie's innards.

After hearing and reading two poems about terrible teaching in this 
poet's educational past, I do hope that sometime a poem will arise about 
an inspirational or otherwise important teacher.

4.Leonard's poem:"Legacy

In the first line of this poem, add a hyphen in "space-time wanderer."

Delete comma after "skies" in the passage "skies that twinkle with the 
firmament."

Change semicolon to dash after:

swiftly on his timeless wings--

One of the most creative lines of this poem is:

ceased their pinwheel streaking swirl

Delete comma after "wasted world."

Delete comma after "smell of death."

Consider changing "and" to either "old" or then" as follows:

Old Earth answers in gasping breaths

The final line of this poem is stunningly effective.

Consider revising the title of this poem to " Legacy of the Space-time 
Wanderer."

This impactful poem, with its great imagery, may be considered for 
publication by one of the nature magazines.

* * *

Well, the ladies and Leonard (our leader) came first; if I do not have 
another interruption, I will send Brad's critique later this 
afternoon.(I imagine he is still working now.)

The good news is that I already brailled the notes for the critique 
session tonight for each of the four of you.

Talk with you all later this evening--Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

October 27, 2018, Thursday

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