[Critique Group 2] my comments from February 27 critique session, 722 words

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Group Two writers:

Every time, I planned to type my comments from the February 27 critique 
session, something came up.Alas, here you have the critiques and then an 
ending note.

1. Valerie:poem "I Am Blind"

To add more dramatic effect, I suggest shortening the initial 
sentence.Consider placing a question mark after the second line.

Does that scare you?

Then, you will need to adjust the subsequent lines a little.

I greatly appreciate and admire the realism in this poem.For example,

Do you shrink away from ...?

Consider changing the following adjectives to adverbs:

tight to tightly, loud to loudly, slow to slowly

Another point of realism that touched me was "laugh appropriately," 
which I refer to as "nervous laughter" and of which I am finding more 
from the general public during this past year.

To maintain parallel structure, change "feeling" to "feel" in the following:

feel all the same emotions

This very worthwhile poem is a significantly thoughtful explication of 
the issue.I hope that the poet submits this poem to other sources for a 
wider readership.

2.Brad:"speculative memoir"--"Who Knows Where the Time Goes?"

I like the term "speculative memoir," which is a new term to me.

The memoirist's comment that polishing the piece took longer than 
drafting the piece makes me think that this sentiment is the sign of a 
real writer.

The reference to a "repeating loop" in life was intriguing.

The piece leads very well into the great ending of the quotation of the 
lyric from Sandy Denny--a lyric, song title, and song which I have 
enjoyed since my days of being a fan of Judy Collins and her doing a 
version of the Sandy Denny song.

With good punctuation and clarity, this interesting and contemplative 
piece brings forth good use of direct quotations.What a good "coming 
back" piece!

3.Abbie:"poem "To My Nephew, at Twenty"

What a good prompt from your poetry group in Wyoming!Thanks for sharing 
this prompt.

For a stronger opening line, avoid the pronoun "It" as the first word of 
your poem.Consider:

Were you twelve yesterday?Oh, no, now you are twenty!

I especially like the poet's third and fourth lines with the reference 
to "Dilly Bar."

For clarity and for another numeric reference, consider changing "I held 
and sang to you ..." to:

I held your seven-pound body and sang dozens of lullabies to you.

To add another numeric phrase, consider changing "When you were a baby," to:

Through your first twelve months of greeting this world, ....

Place quotation marks around the word "no."

Being told "no"

Consider placing a semicolon after:

across the country;

To add more numeric phrases, change the ending to:

At thirty, you will be inspiring and entertaining millions.

Your poem is a great use of the prompt and will be a superb birthday gift.

4.Leonard:poem ""A Horse's Touch"

My friend Sue who is quite a horsewoman thinks this poem is 
"beautiful."I agree.

Add comma in the first line:

lazy, lovely summer's day

As usual, the poet's word choice is worthy of note.For example, I was 
drawn to the use of the word "paltry."

Consider changing the verb tense from the present participle to the 
pastas follows:

gazing to gazed

calling to called

The poet seemed to channel his inner Wordsworth in the following 
Wordsworthian line:

and my heart broke in word's pleasures

Consider changing the final line from "her great strength and total 
control" to:

with great strength and tender control.

This lovely piece is well-presented with a myriad of perspectives of the 
pasture.

The poem prompted me to wonder:

Who are the other people in this group?

Is the pasture near the poet's home?

Could the horses be described more?

Once again, this poet has demonstrated his ability to draw from a vast 
array of topics for his writings.

* * *

Thanks to each of you for your comments about my pi poem.Many thanks for 
a most enjoyable poetry evening on February 27!Valerie, I hope that you 
are feeling fine now, and I hope that you East-coasters are not too 
bothered by the Noreasters.

Happy writing!

Happy Pi Day!

Talk with you on April 10 or before--Alice (and Willow, too)

March 10, 2018, Saturday night

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