[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments Val's piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Despite some issues and questions mentioned below, I think this is a great piece of writing.  I relate to the dynamics of the story.   In some ways, this is the hero’s journey.

 

When Love is Finally Poisoned
C By Brad Corallo
Word count 158



·        Good title.


Always appearing in impossible, wondrous aspects;
that I no more might resist
than a junkie's craving vein,
could resist the needle.
I call upon the Gods: "great architects of creation, release me from my
Calypso, my Siduri, let me be free."
Like the former she plied the shuttle and like the latter she isolated me

I don’t know what the shuttle is or means. I don’t know what it means in this case because I am not familiar with the Siduri character. My guess is that she is a weaver goddess who has entwined you into her loom, but that is really reaching for me.  These references to mythology would probably endear it to readers in the know. But there may be many more readers who will just scratch their heads and feel left out, unless they want to do a Google search. Nevertheless, the general meaning is clear.


with her irresistible gifts.
In a special place where I finally began shaping timber for the vessel of
my odyssey; Birds of prey tore my flesh at the leaving.

My understanding is that you mean you are breaking away from the addictive relationships, but the parting of ways is extremely difficult.


Fare well my heart, you will not accompany me on my appointed voyage.
Alone I go, without a map , without belief
seeking my singular fortune.

You will be out on your own in uncharted waters completely vulnerable to what is out there. You have no protection in mind or substance.


Aided by the wise counsel of blind women.

What do you mean by this line? Can it be taken literally? Did blind women actually help you to do the impossible to pull yourself away from the Goddesses who enslaved you?


I walked on water.
I trod the path of white hot embers.
Ultimately born up by the air.
Miracles have sustained you. How you have survived and prospered is a mystery and an answer from the gods to whom you originally prayed.


Who among us could have ever imagined, such an arriving?

I would like to have more detail about what the arriving looks like. But it is not necessary for the poem. In fact it probably is better without it.




The big mystery for me is who the night muse is.  Ordinarily, I would never think that it was someone like Kat Stevens, but from past experience, it could very well be. But I prefer to look at this poem without knowing that. It’s better not to know. Because knowing takes away the mystique. So it is not Kat Stevens.

 

There are no recommended changes.

 


Night Muse


You come
like cool, sweet wind,
in dreams vivid,
needing me.

I love this verse, especially the last line.   The idea of the muse needing the artist is brilliant.  It is also true. I never thought of it in that way, but I know it is true from the marrow of my bones.

I feel your torment,
cries to be heard,
I answer,
drawing you close

Wow! This verse is profound, in that it explains the prior verse. I could spend a lot of words trying to explain what I think and feel you are really saying, but it would not do justice to what you have said and the way your piece says it.

Somewhere beyond cold reason,
our spirits meet,
outside time,
healing each other.
This verse makes me think that the muse is an actual person. Alive or dead, I could not say.  On the other hand, it might not be a person as we normally think of a person. Even gods and goddesses need healing.

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