[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments on Brad's piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Despite some issues and questions mentioned below, I think this is a great piece of writing.  I relate to the dynamics of the story.   In some ways, this is the hero’s journey.

 

When Love is Finally Poisoned
C By Brad Corallo
Word count 158



·        Good title.


Always appearing in impossible, wondrous aspects;
that I no more might resist
than a junkie's craving vein,
could resist the needle.
I call upon the Gods: "great architects of creation, release me from my
Calypso, my Siduri, let me be free."
Like the former she plied the shuttle and like the latter she isolated me

I don’t know what the shuttle is or means. I don’t know what it means in this case because I am not familiar with the Siduri character. My guess is that she is a weaver goddess who has entwined you into her loom, but that is really reaching for me.  These references to mythology would probably endear it to readers in the know. But there may be many more readers who will just scratch their heads and feel left out, unless they want to do a Google search. Nevertheless, the general meaning is clear.


with her irresistible gifts.
In a special place where I finally began shaping timber for the vessel of
my odyssey; Birds of prey tore my flesh at the leaving.

My understanding is that you mean you are breaking away from the addictive relationships, but the parting of ways is extremely difficult.


Fare well my heart, you will not accompany me on my appointed voyage.
Alone I go, without a map , without belief
seeking my singular fortune.

You will be out on your own in uncharted waters completely vulnerable to what is out there. You have no protection in mind or substance.


Aided by the wise counsel of blind women.

What do you mean by this line? Can it be taken literally? Did blind women actually help you to do the impossible to pull yourself away from the Goddesses who enslaved you?


I walked on water.
I trod the path of white hot embers.
Ultimately born up by the air.
Miracles have sustained you. How you have survived and prospered is a mystery and an answer from the gods to whom you originally prayed.


Who among us could have ever imagined, such an arriving?

I would like to have more detail about what the arriving looks like. But it is not necessary for the poem. In fact it probably is better without it.


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