[Critique Group 2] My Critiques from Last Night's Pieces

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, I’m assuming the first line is your title, and it’s a great 
title by the way. In that case, you don’t need a comma after “blind.”

That said, I would capitalize “does” in the first line.

In these two lines, move “from” to the beginning of the next line so 
they read like this.

Do you shrink away

 From what you consider different?

In the following line, I would suggest a period or dash instead of a 
comma after “assume.”

Don't assume, I won't either.

In these two lines, get rid of “and,” and put a comma after “downcast.”

I am not super human,

Downcast, desperate,

Otherwise, I love the message this poem delivers about blindness. I hope 
it’s published in Magnets and Ladders.

***

Brad, I’m not sure I like this passage.

The old fellow sitting on my left leaned over and asked quietly: “You 
don’t really expect to get an answer to that one, do you?”

How did the old man know what question you were asking? Were you 
speaking your thoughts out loud and perhaps didn’t realize it. If the 
old man was reading your mind, that’s a bit too surreal, if you ask me. 
Otherwise, this piece is definitely thought-provoking.

***

Leonard, I don’t understand why you have five people in this poem when 
you’re doing most of the action. I suggest starting out like this.

On a lazy lovely summer’s day,

I went walking down a sunny lane,

Instead of “we five leaned on the rail gazing,” just say “I leaned on 
the rail, gazed.” Note I changed “gazing” to “gazed” and put a comma 
after “rail.”

In the next line, try “called” instead of “calling.”

I leaned on the rail, gazed,

called them to come closer.

Note that I substituted “come” for “saunter.” I think rhythmically, it 
sounds better.

In this line, replace “we all” with “I.”

Though I knew I could not last.

In this line, you need “lie,” not “lay.”

I felt her mass lie gently down

I love the poignant story this poem tells.

***

Alice, I don’t think you need to capitalize “summer soul” unless it’s 
the name of a plant, but even then, I don’t think plant names are 
capitalized. Otherwise, I like the imagery, and the way this poem makes 
me feel warm already.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbie at mysero.net Order my new memoir 
at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm
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