[Critique Group 2] Emailing: ZZ-Group 2 critique session 2-27-18-Sorry, forgot to include in body of email.

[James]

Group 2 critique session 2/27/18

Valerie's piece: 

The first 2 sections are powerful and beautifully executed. Actually the
whole piece is an excellent treatment of a subject, that shouldn't have to
be addressed but does need to be. Our society is so visually oriented that;
in my opinion, a vast majority cannot only not conceive of what it is like
to be blind but even less how any such poor condemned creature could have
any shot at having a happy and productive life. Our species is extremely
poor at being able to empathize with others who are different than the holy
majority. Perceived artificial, surface and insignificant differences
between human beings are the cause of most of the world's problems. 

***


Abbie's Piece:

A cool piece for an aunt to offer a nephew upon his turning 20. I just have
a couple suggestions:
1. I would substitute "create" a record label instead of "produce."  One
brings a label into being and one then can produce music that is recorded on
it.

2. or you could be a teacher like your father or a writer like me
 And inspire and entertain millions. So here I removed the comma, cut the
phrases into 2 lines and added "and" at the beginning of the second line. I
think it flows a bit more easily though 2 ands in the final line may rightly
be seen as undesirable. Just some thoughts.

***

Leonard's Piece:

I suggest flip flopping the 2 "L" words in the first line thus: "On a lovely
lazy summer's day,"
I am not sure I fully get the following lines:
"and offered them to hungry horses,
whose desires were daunting forces."
The contact between the mare and the narrator is beautifully conveyed. It is
the transcendent moment of the poem and the response that rewards the
narrator's efforts. 

***

Alice's piece:

The pi approach can be constraining for some but not in this evocation of
spring. The construction is well executed but the images and overall feeling
of the poem activates sensory memory e.g. the smell of freshly turned soil,
the voices of birds and children and the feel of tempered winds and spring
sun on skin. May it come soon!
  
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ZZ-Group 2 critique session 2-27-18


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