[Critique Group 2] Emailing: ZZ-Group 2 critique session 2-27-18

[Abbie Taylor]

For Valerie's benefit, I'm pasting Brad's feedback below. Valerie uses a 
neet by phone service that is unable to handle attachments.


As for Brad's suggestion regarding splitting one line into two and using 
"and," that was what I forgot to address last night. I knew I was 
forgetting something. Anyway, "and" is another word that should be 
avoided in poetry. there are times when it's necessary, but if you can 
leave it out, it sounds better. Thanks, Brad, for your feedback. Now 
Valerie, here are Brad's comments.

***

Group 2 critique session 2/27/18

Valerie’s piece:

The first 2 sections are powerful and beautifully executed. Actually the 
whole piece is an excellent treatment of a subject, that shouldn’t have 
to be addressed but does need to be. Our society is so visually oriented 
that; in my opinion, a vast majority cannot only not conceive of what it 
is like to be blind but even less how any such poor condemned creature 
could have any shot at having a happy and productive life. Our species 
is extremely poor at being able to empathize with others who are 
different than the holy majority. Perceived artificial, surface and 
insignificant differences between human beings are the cause of most of 
the world’s problems.

***

Abbie’s Piece:

A cool piece for an aunt to offer a nephew upon his turning 20. I just 
have a couple suggestions:

1. I would substitute “create” a record label instead of “produce.”One 
brings a label into being and one then can produce music that is 
recorded on it.

2. or you could be a teacher like your father or a writer like me

And inspire and entertain millions. So here I removed the comma, cut the 
phrases into 2 lines and added “and” at the beginning of the second 
line. I think it flows a bit more easily though 2 ands in the final line 
may rightly be seen as undesirable. Just some thoughts.

***

Leonard’s Piece:

I suggest flip flopping the 2 “L” words in the first line thus: “On a 
lovely lazy summer’s day,”

I am not sure I fully get the following lines:

“and offered them to hungry horses,

whose desires were daunting forces.”

The contact between the mare and the narrator is beautifully conveyed. 
It is the transcendent moment of the poem and the response that rewards 
the narrator’s efforts.

***

Alice’s piece:

The pi approach can be constraining for some but not in this evocation 
of spring. The construction is well executed but the images and overall 
feeling of the poem activates sensory memory e.g. the smell of freshly 
turned soil, the voices of birds and children and the feel of tempered 
winds and spring sun on skin. May it come soon!

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbie at mysero.net Order my new memoir 
at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm
On 2/27/2018 7:15 PM, James wrote:
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