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font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;
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</style>
<![endif]-->
<p class="MsoNormal">Valerie, I’m assuming the first line is your
title, and it’s
a great title by the way. In that case, you don’t need a comma
after “blind.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That said, I would capitalize “does” in the
first line. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In these two lines, move “from” to the
beginning of the next
line so they read like this.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do you shrink away </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From what you consider different?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the following line, I would suggest a
period or dash instead
of a comma after “assume.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don't assume, I won't either.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In these two lines, get rid of “and,” and put
a comma after
“downcast.” <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am not super human,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Downcast, desperate,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Otherwise, I love the message this poem
delivers about
blindness. I hope it’s published in Magnets and Ladders.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brad, I’m not sure I like this passage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The old fellow sitting on my left leaned over
and asked
quietly: “You don’t really expect to get an answer to that one,
do you?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How did the old man know what question you
were asking? Were
you speaking your thoughts out loud and perhaps didn’t realize
it. If the old
man was reading your mind, that’s a bit too surreal, if you ask
me. Otherwise,
this piece is definitely thought-provoking.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Leonard, I don’t understand why you have five
people in this
poem when you’re doing most of the action. I suggest starting
out like this.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On a lazy lovely summer’s day,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I went walking down a sunny lane,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Instead of “we five leaned on the rail
gazing,” just say “I
leaned on the rail, gazed.” Note I changed “gazing” to “gazed”
and put a comma
after “rail.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the next line, try “called” instead of
“calling.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I leaned on the rail, gazed,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">called them to come closer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Note that I substituted “come” for “saunter.”
I think
rhythmically, it sounds better.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this line, replace “we all” with “I.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Though I knew I could not last.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this line, you need “lie,” not “lay.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I felt her mass lie gently down</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I love the poignant story this poem tells.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice, I don’t think you need to capitalize
“summer soul”
unless it’s the name of a plant, but even then, I don’t think
plant names are
capitalized. Otherwise, I like the imagery, and the way this
poem makes me feel
warm already.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
<div class="moz-signature">-- <br>
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author <a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com">http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com</a>
<a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com">http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com</a>
<a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:abbie@mysero.net">abbie@mysero.net</a>
Order my new memoir at
<a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm">http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm</a></div>
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