[Critique Group 2] critiques from November 29 session, 627 words

[Abbie Taylor]

Thank you, Alice, for your feedback. I'm back online, and I think it's 
for good this time. Will send my feedback from last night's pieces soon.


On 12/27/2018 12:54 PM, Alice Massa wrote:
>
>
> Holiday Greetings!Group Two writer friends:
>
> Guess what one of my new year's resolutions is!I will try to send my 
> critiques earlier each month of 2019!Well, alas, below are my 
> critiques from our November 29 meeting.
>
> 1.Leonard's poem "Hindsight or Foresight"
>
> Check the subject-verb agreement in line three.
>
> "that let me know where I should go."
>
> Delete comma after "head" before the adjectival clause:
>
> "but also for eyes behind my head"
>
> Consider deleting the following unnecessary line:
>
> "Hindsight, they say, is 20/20."
>
> Add a comma after "Then" in the following:
>
> Then, one day, my wish...."
>
> Change "in despair" to "into despair."
>
> Consider rewriting to avoid a cliche:
>
> "A fable as false as old wives' tales."
>
> Thank you for helping me to understand the comparison of hindsight 
> with the serpent's tongue.
>
> With mentions of tarot cards and coffee grounds, the poem has a good 
> ending.
>
> This piece is clever, but has depth of meaning.
>
> 2.Valerie's poem "Stages"
>
> I like the inner rhyme of "growing, yet knowing."
>
> Revise for clarity:
>
> "a beautiful darling who tugs at her mom's soul"
>
> One of the poem's great lines is:
>
> "Teen now knows that difference is a gift."
>
> This "Stages" poem has a very creative ending.
>
> In this touching, perceptive poem, the stages of life are captured 
> stunningly well.
>
> 3.Abbie's poem "A Visit from and Elderly Math Teacher"
>
> Consider revising the title to reflect better the situation:
>
> "Meeting My Math Teacher Once Again"
>
> "My Math Teacher, in a Different Equation"
>
> For both rhythm and content, consider changing "mathematics" to math."
>
> You may wish to delete the unnecessary tagline "I asked."
>
> Flip the order of the tagline and quote from the math teacher:
>
> He asked in a halting tone:
>
> This poem has an effective, sweet, and gentle ending.
>
> The relatively few lines of this poem capture well this moment in time 
> which is worthy of a poem.
>
> Thank you for following through with sharing a more positive "teacher 
> poem."
>
> 4.Brad's creative nonfiction "The Vast Unwanted"
>
> Add a comma at the end of the first clause of the compound sentence 
> which begins with:
>
> "The man carried a long knife,...."
>
> Due to the introductory prepositional phrase, add a comma after:
>
> "On her right hand,"
>
> Instead of using the word "seeking," consider "to find."
>
> Consider the following changes, including using the dashes instead of 
> commas, as follows:
>
> "The animals--a dog and a goat, ribs showing through dry, mangy 
> pelts--trailed behind and looked [not 'looking'] ...."
>
> After "temporary home," change the comma to a colon.
>
> After "no definite destination," change semicolon to a dash.
>
> Change period to dash after
>
> "vast unwanted--"
>
> After the word "doggedly," delete the period.
>
> To maintain the verb tense, change "might know" to may know."
>
> In a persuasive piece, take care to avoid absolutes and exaggeration.
>
> "compassion by shockingly few"--I still truly believe that more than a 
> "few" do have compassion for these immigrants.
>
> This creative nonfiction piece is very good, timely, and motivational; 
> however, I still wonder if the piece would be even more effective in 
> persuading an audience if some "identifying" details were more 
> specific.Taking on such a piece and general purpose is challenging, 
> and I admire this writer's taking the challenge to spotlight further 
> the plight of these people who want to enter a safer and more stable 
> country.
>
> * * *
>
> Many thanks for your patience, your timely critiques of my piece, and 
> your being such a grand critique group for two and a half years!
>
> As this old year closes and the new year blossoms forth, I hope that 
> all of you are well, enjoying the holiday season, and looking forward 
> to writing dreams-come-true in 2019!
>
> Talk with you in a few hours--Alice
>
> December 27, 2018, Thursday
>
>
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-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author https://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbietaylor945 at gmail.com
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