[Critique Group 2] critiques from November 29 session, 627 words

[Alice Massa]

Holiday Greetings!Group Two writer friends:

Guess what one of my new year's resolutions is!I will try to send my 
critiques earlier each month of 2019!Well, alas, below are my critiques 
from our November 29 meeting.

1.Leonard's poem "Hindsight or Foresight"

Check the subject-verb agreement in line three.

"that let me know where I should go."

Delete comma after "head" before the adjectival clause:

"but also for eyes behind my head"

Consider deleting the following unnecessary line:

"Hindsight, they say, is 20/20."

Add a comma after "Then" in the following:

Then, one day, my wish...."

Change "in despair" to "into despair."

Consider rewriting to avoid a cliche:

"A fable as false as old wives' tales."

Thank you for helping me to understand the comparison of hindsight with 
the serpent's tongue.

With mentions of tarot cards and coffee grounds, the poem has a good ending.

This piece is clever, but has depth of meaning.

2.Valerie's poem "Stages"

I like the inner rhyme of "growing, yet knowing."

Revise for clarity:

"a beautiful darling who tugs at her mom's soul"

One of the poem's great lines is:

"Teen now knows that difference is a gift."

This "Stages" poem has a very creative ending.

In this touching, perceptive poem, the stages of life are captured 
stunningly well.

3.Abbie's poem "A Visit from and Elderly Math Teacher"

Consider revising the title to reflect better the situation:

"Meeting My Math Teacher Once Again"

"My Math Teacher, in a Different Equation"

For both rhythm and content, consider changing "mathematics" to math."

You may wish to delete the unnecessary tagline "I asked."

Flip the order of the tagline and quote from the math teacher:

He asked in a halting tone:

This poem has an effective, sweet, and gentle ending.

The relatively few lines of this poem capture well this moment in time 
which is worthy of a poem.

Thank you for following through with sharing a more positive "teacher poem."

4.Brad's creative nonfiction "The Vast Unwanted"

Add a comma at the end of the first clause of the compound sentence 
which begins with:

"The man carried a long knife,...."

Due to the introductory prepositional phrase, add a comma after:

"On her right hand,"

Instead of using the word "seeking," consider "to find."

Consider the following changes, including using the dashes instead of 
commas, as follows:

"The animals--a dog and a goat, ribs showing through dry, mangy 
pelts--trailed behind and looked [not 'looking'] ...."

After "temporary home," change the comma to a colon.

After "no definite destination," change semicolon to a dash.

Change period to dash after

"vast unwanted--"

After the word "doggedly," delete the period.

To maintain the verb tense, change "might know" to may know."

In a persuasive piece, take care to avoid absolutes and exaggeration.

"compassion by shockingly few"--I still truly believe that more than a 
"few" do have compassion for these immigrants.

This creative nonfiction piece is very good, timely, and motivational; 
however, I still wonder if the piece would be even more effective in 
persuading an audience if some "identifying" details were more 
specific.Taking on such a piece and general purpose is challenging, and 
I admire this writer's taking the challenge to spotlight further the 
plight of these people who want to enter a safer and more stable country.

* * *

Many thanks for your patience, your timely critiques of my piece, and 
your being such a grand critique group for two and a half years!

As this old year closes and the new year blossoms forth, I hope that all 
of you are well, enjoying the holiday season, and looking forward to 
writing dreams-come-true in 2019!

Talk with you in a few hours--Alice

December 27, 2018, Thursday

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