[Critique Group 2] Leonard'scomments re: Abbie

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Are you looking for suggestions about a title?  I think you should have thrown up on her. I knew someone who did that to a nun who forced her to eat her peas. Forcing someone to eat something is a control issue.  This story does have an emotional impact. It made me angry at the nun.  I have a friend who, as a child in a convent school, locked a sadistic nun in a pantry. When she grew up, she became a nun. The last statement of the piece gives a nice touch of humor and satisfaction.

 

In a 1960’s school for the blind classroom,

my sadistic fifth grade teacher

has the idea that I should try unfamiliar food,

makes me stay after others leave for gym class

until I finish the apple.

 

I hate gym class,

but as I sit at my desk, take little bites of bitter apple,

and she sits at hers, watches me,

·        I think you need an ‘and’ or use ‘watching’ rather than watches.

I would give anything to be in that locker room,

struggling with the snaps on my gym suit while others laugh and taunt.

·        Don’t you need a comma after suit?

 

Bit by bit, the apple disappears.

·        Do you still hate apples? Do they still taste bitter to you?

With nothing to wash it down,

I ask if I can get a drink, am told no.

Finally, after the last bite, my stomach revolts—

the regurgitated apple lands on the floor.

The teacher, after threatening me with something new the next day,

sends me off in disgust.

I should have thrown up on her.

--
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbietaylor945 at gmail.com Order my new memoir at http://www.abbi

 
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