[Critique Group 2] my comments for July 26/817 words

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Leonard, Abbie, Brad, and Valerie--Thank you for your 
critiques--both spoken and e-mailed--concerning my "Wallpaper 
Dreams."Below are my comments concerning your pieces presented at the 
July 26 critique session.

1.Valerie:"Night Muse"

I do like the title of this poem; in a collection, I would be drawn to a 
poem with such a title.Additionally, the varying line lengths brought to 
my mind the walking or entering of the night muse.

After "cries to be heard," change the comma to a period or semicolon.

After "drawing you closer,"add a period.

Perhaps, one month, this poet--the "queen of the short poems," will 
surprise us with a long poem.Meanwhile, we have another superb example 
of this poet's ability to craft a poem of relatively few 
lines.Nevertheless, the poem is satisfying in developing the theme.

The ending of this poem is more upbeat than a number of the poet's other 
writings.However, the ending also offers the reader a bit of mystery.

In her descriptive, short phrase, "outside time," the poet adds a 
mystical touch.

One can almost hear a sigh as the reader takes in the healing in the 
conclusion of the poem.

Yes, I like the punctuation used in this poem.Mystery should be achieved 
through words--not lack of punctuation.

2.Leonard:"Merlyn the Magic Turtle"

I wonder if the writer would consider placing a comma after "Merlyn" in 
the title of this chapter book.

Despite our liking the name "Merlyn," I still wonder if another name--a 
unique one--would be better for publication.If you think along these 
lines, remember that the little girl named the snappy 
turtle.(Sheldon?Well, I am still thinking.)

Watch the "delay phrases/sentences!"It" without an antecedent should be 
re-considered in the following:

"It was upsetting for me ...."

In the following passage, delete "right now":

"Right now, in the '60s"

Consider revising the phrase "deaf ears" in this third part, as well as 
the reference to "ape" in the first part.

After speaking with the writer on the phone, I no longer have a concern 
about the turtle's ability to stay comfortably on Leonard's shoulder.

Each of the chapters which I have read contains a well-crafted ending 
that leaves the reader in a state of wanting more story.

One "I asked" was not necessary in clearly written dialogue.In general, 
use taglines for quotations in dialogue only when necessary.

What a snappy, but endearing story!I am eager to read more, and I think 
Chapter Four is my favorite thus far.

3.Abbie:"Forsaken Virgin"

Although I like this title, I agree with Val that the word "Forsaken" 
may need to be revised.

The poet may wish to consider replacing the pronoun "She" with the 
proper name "Mary" for the first word of the first line.

This reader wonders if Joseph believed Mary's circumstances.

This thought-provoking poem seems longer than its five lines.

After the first two readings of the poem, I thought the poem should be 
longer; however, the more I read the poem, the more I became satisfied 
with the length and development of the poem.

This poem should be an interesting addition to the fall/winter issue of 
MAGNETS AND LADDERS.

4.Brad:"When Love Is Finally Poisoned"

The word "Finally" is an important word in making the title stand out.

Delete the semicolon at the end of the first line.Remember that 
basically the semicolon is the "equal sign" of the punctuation world.No 
semicolon is needed at this point.

At the end of line three, delete the comma.

"Great architects of creation" is a great phrase for this poem.

I admire this poet's use of vocabulary and references to mythology:

"my Calypso, my Siduri"

Consider the following punctuation changes:

"Like the former, she plied the shuttle;

and like the latter, ...."

After the word "odyssey," change the semicolon to a comma and also add a 
line break:

"vessel of my odyssey,"

After "belief--" add a dash.

To avoid a fragment and to enhance the content's readability, change the 
period after "women" to a comma:

"Aided by the wise counsel of blind women,

I walked on water."

The above is an amazing poetic passage.

After "embers," change the period to a comma.

This outstanding poem concludes with a superb final question.What an 
arrival!

This strong poem reaches to a higher level of verse:it mirrors a poet's 
reaching his potential.

This poet, with his June and July submissions, could win the blue ribbon 
for most improved poet.

HINT:I do hope that this poet submits his "It" poem (recently posted on 
the WPL) for our August critique session.

As the fireworks are popping in the background on this hot and humid 
Saturday night, I look forward to our next critique session on August 
23, Thursday.

Happy August and take care--Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

August 4, 2018, Saturday

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