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<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_GoBack"></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard,
Abbie, Brad, and Valerie--Thank you for your critiques--both
spoken and
e-mailed--concerning my "Wallpaper Dreams."<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Below are my comments
concerning your pieces
presented at the July 26 critique session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Night Muse"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do like the title of this poem; in a
collection, I would
be drawn to a poem with such a title.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Additionally, the varying line lengths brought to my mind
the walking or
entering of the night muse.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "cries to be heard," change the comma
to a
period or semicolon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "drawing you closer,"<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>add a period.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perhaps, one month, this poet--the "queen of
the short
poems," will surprise us with a long poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Meanwhile, we have another superb example of this poet's
ability to
craft a poem of relatively few lines.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Nevertheless,
the poem is satisfying in developing the theme.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ending of this poem is more upbeat than a
number of the
poet's other writings.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>However,
the
ending also offers the reader a bit of mystery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In her descriptive, short phrase, "outside
time,"
the poet adds a mystical touch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One can almost hear a sigh as the reader
takes in the
healing in the conclusion of the poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, I like the punctuation used in this
poem.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Mystery should be
achieved through words--not
lack of punctuation.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Merlyn the Magic Turtle"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I wonder if the writer would consider placing
a comma after
"Merlyn" in the title of this chapter book.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Despite our liking the name "Merlyn," I still
wonder if another name--a unique one--would be better for
publication.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If you
think along these lines, remember that
the little girl named the snappy turtle.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>(Sheldon?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Well, I
am still
thinking.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Watch the "delay phrases/sentences!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"It" without an antecedent
should
be re-considered in the following:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It was upsetting for me ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the following passage, delete "right now":</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Right now, in the '60s"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider revising the phrase "deaf ears" in
this
third part, as well as the reference to "ape" in the first part.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After speaking with the writer on the phone,
I no longer
have a concern about the turtle's ability to stay comfortably on
Leonard's
shoulder.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Each of the chapters which I have read
contains a
well-crafted ending that leaves the reader in a state of wanting
more story.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One "I asked" was not necessary in clearly
written
dialogue.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>In general,
use taglines for
quotations in dialogue only when necessary.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a snappy, but endearing story!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I am eager to read more,
and I think Chapter
Four is my favorite thus far.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Forsaken Virgin"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although I like this title, I agree with Val
that the word
"Forsaken" may need to be revised.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The poet may wish to consider replacing the
pronoun "She"
with the proper name "Mary" for the first word of the first
line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This reader wonders if Joseph believed Mary's
circumstances.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This thought-provoking poem seems longer than
its five
lines.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the first two readings of the poem, I
thought the poem
should be longer; however, the more I read the poem, the more I
became
satisfied with the length and development of the poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem should be an interesting addition
to the
fall/winter issue of MAGNETS AND LADDERS.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"When Love Is Finally
Poisoned"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The word "Finally" is an important word in
making
the title stand out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Delete the semicolon at the end of the first
line.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Remember that
basically the semicolon is the
"equal sign" of the punctuation world.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>No semicolon is needed at
this point.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At the end of line three, delete the comma.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Great architects of creation" is a great
phrase
for this poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I admire this poet's use of vocabulary and
references to
mythology:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"my Calypso, my Siduri"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider the following punctuation changes:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Like the former, she plied the shuttle; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">and like the latter, ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the word "odyssey," change the
semicolon to
a comma and also add a line break:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"vessel of my odyssey,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "belief--" add a dash.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To avoid a fragment and to enhance the
content's
readability, change the period after "women" to a comma:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Aided by the wise counsel of blind women,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I walked on water."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The above is an amazing poetic passage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "embers," change the period to a comma.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This outstanding poem concludes with a superb
final
question.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What an
arrival!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This strong poem reaches to a higher level of
verse:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>it mirrors a
poet's reaching his
potential.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poet, with his June and July
submissions, could win the
blue ribbon for most improved poet.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">HINT:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
do hope that
this poet submits his "It" poem (recently posted on the WPL) for
our
August critique session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As the fireworks are popping in the
background on this hot
and humid Saturday night, I look forward to our next critique
session on August
23, Thursday.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy August and take care--Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:ajm321kh@wi.rr.com">ajm321kh@wi.rr.com</a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">August 4, 2018, Saturday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
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