[Critique Group 2] part 2 of my comments from April 10

[Alice Massa]

Springtime Greetings to Group Two!

Here is the second part of my comments from our April 10 critique session.

3.Abbie:"Garden"

This acrostic is well-trimmed, with no unnecessary words.

Consider a more creative title, rather than a label which reveals the 
acrostic.For example, consider "Backyard Vegetable Basket."

Place a dash at the end of the first and second lines to set off the 
appositive phrase which has commas within.

Depending on how you view the punctuation of an acrostic, you may 
consider a semicolon at the end of the "R" and "D" lines, due to the 
commas within.

Consider revising the final line from

"New beginnings come forth." to

"New beginnings venture forth."or

"New beginnings veggie forth."

This short acrostic which focuses on nature will be a good submission 
for THE WEEKLY AVOCET.

4.Leonard: ""A Price to Pay"

I really like the thoughtful and great contrast in the following:

"Though I am old and declining,

my garden is forever fresh."

This poem has a very good ending line:

"... for the sake of his dream garden."

Another contrasting point which creatively stood out in these verses is 
the lack of slumber for the gardener versus the "planting beds."

This poem deserves commendation for its realistic portrayal of a 
not-so-young gardener who is determined to create his "dream 
garden"--despite challenges.

Once again, the poet demonstrates a good choice of vocabulary.

If I recall correctly, I think we may have suggested that this poem be 
submitted to THE WEEKLY AVOCET; however, after re-reading the guidelines 
and remembering what someone else told me about this publication, I 
wonder if this poem focuses more on the gardener than the garden.If so, 
this poem may be better submitted to another publication.I hope this 
meaningful poem does reach a wider audience/readership.

* * *

Thanks to all of you for sending your comments about my poem which I 
posted on my blog and on the WPL on the 11th.

Looking forward to our next critique session on May 22--Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

April 23, 2018, Monday

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