[Critique Group 2] two critiques from April 10, 533 words

[Alice Massa]

Hello, fellow members of Group Two!

Please find below my comments from our critique session on April 
10--only for the first two pieces which we critiqued.Due to the issue 
which arose when I sent my blog post on Wednesday, I thought that I 
should just send two critiques at a time.Abbie and Leonard, your turns 
will be in the next e-mail which I hope to send on either Sunday or Monday.

1.Brad:"Bernie's Recurring Nightmare"

This good example of flash fiction is an intriguing take on the Glory 
Train.The historical connection provides an added element of interest 
for "Baby-boomers."

Although the dialogue adds to the interest of the story and helps to 
move along the story, the writer needs to revise the punctuation of 
quotations.Also, each time a change of speaker occurs, a new paragraph 
must begin.When the tagline (attribution of quote) is prior to the 
direct quotation, a comma or colon must follow the tagline.When the 
direct quotation initiates the sentence, the appropriate mark of 
punctuation (other than the period) must precede the closing quotation 
mark and then the closing tagline.Also, when the quotation ends the 
sentence, remember to place the appropriate end mark of punctuation 
prior to the closing quotation mark.Only some corrected examples follow:

He said to himself,

(In above example, "himself" should be typed as one word.)

... echoed,

... said,

(In above example, "asked" should be considered as a revision.)

... line," he said with conviction.

None of you are going anywhere."

A closing quote should be added at the end of the following:

...(PLF)."

In such a short piece of fiction, the writer provides a good description 
of the setting and develops the characters well.I found myself caring 
about the last hope being "dashed."

Finally, this writing effort is an outstanding example of a piece 
inspired by lyrics of a song.Thanks to the writer for including a link 
to the song!

2.Valerie:"Ultimate Decision"

This impressive and intriguing poem does make the reader work.In the 
earlier metaphorical passages, I was uncertain of the poet's intention 
until I arrived nearer the end of the poemThen, I was eager to re-read 
the beginning of the poem and grasp the purpose of these verses.The 
"Ultimate Decision" is to continue living after confronting a hardship 
(or loss).

How well the poet describes herself in an earlier state with the line:

"crammed in wet mud alone."

The best line of the poem is:

"a strand of hope, thinner than fear."

Superb poetic line!

The closing of the poem--

"spinning prayers toss us into the torrent

wounded, but unbroken."

--is outstanding; however, consider placing a punctuation mark after 
"torrent."Also, note the spelling of "torrent."In the line, the 
alliteration with "t" is effective.In this conclusion, the writer's 
intention becomes clear.

Finally, although this writer most often uses the same theme, her 
creative efforts are not repetitive:each approach she takes on the theme 
is nuanced and worthy of poetic praise.

More to come either on Sunday or Monday--if the computer behaves!

Keep creating poetry during National Poetry Month--Alice

April 21, 2018, Saturday

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