[Critique Group 2] comments for critique of September 26

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Writers of Group Two:

Below are my comments concerning pieces critiqued on September 26.

1.Brad:"Middle Child"

If you would add two words to the subtitle, a reader would more quickly 
understand the direction of your poem.For example, the subtitle could 
be:"In Memory of My Mother, Marie Corallo."Another option would be 
placing the very well-written obituary prior to the first stanza.

I do like the title of this poem.Overall, the poem is a strong and 
loving tribute; however, with just a little more revision, the piece 
could be even more meaningful to others.As it stands now, it is highly 
meaningful to you:thus, you may need a little more space and time 
between now and the next revision attempt to really see the poem anew.

While the use of fragments may be useful in some poems, as well as in 
some pieces of prose, the intentional fragment must be used sparingly 
and with precision in order to bring forth the desired dramatic 
effect.If used in abundance in a poem, the fragments should be placed in 
a parallel structure or symmetrical pattern.The fragments should appear 
as if the poet knew what he or she was doing with this choice:the 
fragments should not appear as loose or incorrect style.When you review 
this poem a few months or years down the poetic road, examine each 
fragment to determine its strength and, if not clarity, usefulness to 
your purpose in writing the poem, in conveying your meaning or a meaning 
for the reader.

Similarly, I suggest that you diminish the use of exclamation points so 
that when one is used, it will be more meaningful.Your words, phrases, 
and sentences should convey as much emphasis and strength as the use of 
an exclamation point.

A tiny point to consider is in the line:"she dropped the vowel ending 
her name."Did she drop the "e" or the "ie"?

Consider inserting the word "after" before "establishing."

After "GI Bill," punctuation is needed.

Consider changing "stalking" to "stalked" in "the black dog stalked her 
...."

Punctuation is needed after "reassembling herself."

Place a dash after the descriptive phrase: "not a girly-girl mom--"

After "gracious to all," change the semicolon to a dash.

Place a period after "25 instead."

Combining sad notes with strengths, this poem is an amazing portrait of 
a unique mother of her generation.

2.Valerie:"High Lonesome"

What a great title!This intriguing title would draw in many readers to 
the body of the poem.

The second stanza evokes beautiful color and images.I read this piece as 
a "painted poem."

I like the strong, long "u" sound at the onset of the final two 
lines:"You are resolute/universal."Having the long "u" sound at the 
beginning of each of these lines is a creative technique for poetic lines.

The stanza breaks in this poem are important to the meaning of the poem.

With this treasured treatise on loneliness, the poet once again very 
well displays her awesome brevity.

3.Leonard:"Sketching My Way through a Poem"

What a great title for a poem!This title would draw the attention of 
many readers to this poem.

Place a comma after the introductory adverbial clause (dependent clause),

"When I was little,"

Place a comma after the introductory transitional word "Thus," when it 
begins a sentence or independent clause.

In the second stanza, the phrase "sketch and statistics" is an unusual 
combination that is thought-provoking.

Place a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

"With many baby stitches,"

"My poems and tales are winding trails" is a great line.

Change "in its journey" to in their journey" to maintain the agreement 
in the plural.

"Or does life live us?" is an intriguingly strong final line for this poem.

This thought-provoking, yet playful poem about poetry would be an 
outstanding submission for the spring/summer issue of MAGNETS AND LADDERS.

5.Abbie: "Veal and Telemande"

The fourth great title of the evening!This title is scrumptious and 
would tastefully and musically carry many readers to your poetic table.

I like the use of "mahogany" to describe the dining table.

I suggest using the dash after the word "salad."

I was unclear of the antecedent for the pronoun "he" in:

"he listens to music"

To avoid unclear antecedents and to emphasize the father's dying of 
cancer by placing this phrase at the end of the poem, I suggest revising 
the last few lines to read as:

"Later, the boy will join his mother

at the hospital bedside

of his father--

dying of cancer.

(The above is written in four lines.)

This poem is a brief portrait with significant details of description 
that make the glimpse of a family memorable.

While I know a local Italian restaurant that does serve garlic mashed 
potatoes and vegetables in season or asparagus with chicken marsala, I 
wonder if penne pasta or farfalle (butterfly pasta) with a marinara 
sauce would be more suitable or poetic for the poem.Most young boys 
would like the pasta also.Well, this comment is making me hungry.

* * *

Thanks for the comments which you offered and then wrote about my poem 
about Emily Dickinson and my Leader Dog Heather.I used the poem for my 
blog post of October 4.

Looking forward to our next critique session on Halloween!

Take care and have a creative month of October--Alice

October 7, 2017, Saturday

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