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<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_GoBack"></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Writers
of
Group Two:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Below
are
my comments concerning pieces critiqued on September 26.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Middle Child"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you would add two words to the subtitle, a
reader would
more quickly understand the direction of your poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>For example, the subtitle
could be:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"In Memory of
My Mother, Marie
Corallo."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Another option
would be
placing the very well-written obituary prior to the first
stanza.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do like the title of this poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Overall, the poem is a
strong and loving
tribute; however, with just a little more revision, the piece
could be even
more meaningful to others.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>As
it stands
now, it is highly meaningful to you:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>thus, you may need a little more space and time between
now and the next
revision attempt to really see the poem anew.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>While
the
use of fragments may be useful in some poems, as well as in some
pieces of
prose, the intentional fragment must be used sparingly and with
precision in
order to bring forth the desired dramatic effect.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If used in abundance in a
poem, the fragments
should be placed in a parallel structure or symmetrical pattern.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The fragments should appear
as if the poet
knew what he or she was doing with this choice:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>the fragments should not appear as loose or incorrect
style.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>When you review
this poem a few months or
years down the poetic road, examine each fragment to determine
its strength
and, if not clarity, usefulness to your purpose in writing the
poem, in
conveying your meaning or a meaning for the reader.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Similarly, I suggest that you diminish the
use of
exclamation points so that when one is used, it will be more
meaningful.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Your words,
phrases, and sentences should
convey as much emphasis and strength as the use of an
exclamation point.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A tiny point to consider is in the line:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"she dropped the vowel
ending her
name."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Did she drop the
"e" or the "ie"?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider inserting the word "after" before
"establishing."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "GI Bill," punctuation is needed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider changing "stalking" to
"stalked" in "the black dog stalked her ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Punctuation is needed after "reassembling
herself."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a dash after the descriptive phrase:
"not a
girly-girl mom--"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After "gracious to all," change the semicolon
to a
dash.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a period after "25 instead."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Combining sad notes with strengths, this poem
is an amazing
portrait of a unique mother of her generation.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"High Lonesome"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>What
a
great title!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This
intriguing title would
draw in many readers to the body of the poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The second stanza evokes beautiful color and
images.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I read this
piece as a "painted
poem."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like the strong, long "u" sound at the
onset of
the final two lines:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"You
are
resolute/universal."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Having
the
long "u" sound at the beginning of each of these lines is a
creative
technique for poetic lines.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The stanza breaks in this poem are important
to the meaning
of the poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With this treasured treatise on loneliness,
the poet once
again very well displays her awesome brevity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Sketching My Way through a
Poem"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a great title for a poem!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This title would draw the
attention of many
readers to this poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a comma after the introductory
adverbial clause
(dependent clause),</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"When I was little,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a comma after the introductory
transitional word
"Thus," when it begins a sentence or independent clause.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the second stanza, the phrase "sketch and
statistics" is an unusual combination that is thought-provoking.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a comma after the introductory
prepositional phrase:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"With many baby stitches,"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"My poems and tales are winding trails" is a
great
line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "in its journey" to in their journey"
to maintain the agreement in the plural.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Or does life live us?" is an intriguingly
strong
final line for this poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This thought-provoking, yet playful poem
about poetry would
be an outstanding submission for the spring/summer issue of
MAGNETS AND
LADDERS.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie:
<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Veal and Telemande"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The fourth great title of the evening!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This title is scrumptious
and would
tastefully and musically carry many readers to your poetic
table.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like the use of "mahogany" to describe the
dining table.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I suggest using the dash after the word
"salad."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was unclear of the antecedent for the
pronoun
"he" in:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"he listens to music"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To avoid unclear antecedents and to emphasize
the father's
dying of cancer by placing this phrase at the end of the poem, I
suggest
revising the last few lines to read as:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Later, the boy will join his mother</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">at the hospital bedside</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">of his father--</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">dying of cancer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(The above is written in four lines.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem is a brief portrait with
significant details of
description that make the glimpse of a family memorable.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While I know a local Italian restaurant that
does serve
garlic mashed potatoes and vegetables in season or asparagus
with chicken
marsala, I wonder if penne pasta or farfalle (butterfly pasta)
with a marinara
sauce would be more suitable or poetic for the poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Most young boys would like
the pasta
also.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Well, this comment
is making me
hungry.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
for
the comments which you offered and then wrote about my poem
about Emily
Dickinson and my Leader Dog Heather.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
used the poem for my blog post of October 4.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Looking forward to our next critique session
on Halloween!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Take care and have a creative month of
October--Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">October 7, 2017, Saturday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
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