[Critique Group 2] Part 1 of my comments from October 31

[Alice Massa]

November Greetings!Leonard, Valerie, Abbie, and Brad:

I will send my notes in two batches this time due to Leonard's plan to 
send his piece to DIALOGUE.Thus, his piece, the longest with three pages 
of braille notes, will be first; the next dispatch will include 
critiques of the other three shorter poems.Thanks for your patience!

4.Leonard:"Not Exactly a Guide Dog"

What a great title to gather in all of the dog lovers to this 
outstanding essay.

Add a hyphen to :

75-pound sled dog

While the rules may vary for different style sheets, MLA Style advocates 
the use of numerals (not spelled out) when the number is two digits or more.

Additionally, at our critique session, I forgot to mention that internet 
research revealed the following:the average weight of a sled dog (male) 
is 55 pounds while a female sled dog averages 45 pounds.My understanding 
is that years ago, sled dogs weighed more;a 71-pound sled dog was 
noted.Thus, you may decide about the dog's weight.

Your attention-grabbing opening is as strong as Barney.

Insert the word "nearly" in:

nearly pulled my arm ....

Kudos for your proper use of "whether"--so frequently misused by too 
many writers.

Congratulations for the excellent use of description and detail!

Change "that" to "this" in:

weird in this department

Consider adding quotation marks around the uses of the word "Hello."

Add hyphen in the following phrase:

next-door neighbor

Delete comma in the following phrase:

say "Hello" or smile

Add comma to:

So far, he has not done so

Try deleting the word "that" to have:

So, when cars passed by, ....

Add a comma to read as follows:

I must admit, however, that our own car is ....

Delete comma after "chagrin" to be as follows:

chagrin since our own car is ....

Change "snuck up on by a Prius" to:

The sneaky vehicle was a Prius.

Thus, you avoid the string of three prepositions in a row.

Delete the pronoun "their" before

exotic aroma

Before "approach," change "their" to "the" to avoid lack of agreement.

In the paragraph beginning with "Automotive," leave out the second 
sentence and consider using:

On the other hand, Barney does not believe that anyone would hurt him.

This loveable piece has a great ending.

This essay is appropriately geared to an audience of readers who are 
blind or visually impaired.Some sighted people may interpret the 
examples of this piece in quite a different manner.Expressing the 
feelings and/or reactions of the neighbor bring another dimension to the 
somewhat humorous essay.

Willow gives this submission her four-paw seal of approval and raises a 
friendly paw to Barney!Of course, she hopes that Barney will not become 
too famous!Blue ribbons for Barney's writer!

More later!

Alice Massa

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

11/4/17, Saturday

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