[Critique Group 2] Part 2 of my comments/critiques of October 31

[Alice Massa]

Hello, again!Valerie, Abbie, Brad, and Leonard:

Here is the second part of my comments about the pieces critiqued on 
October 31, 2017.Now, for the poetry pieces of the month!

1.Valerie:"Seven"

For this poem, the short and simple title does not seem like merely a 
label:the title works well with the initial progression and emphasis of 
the poem.Within the progression of sevens, the most poetic and memorable 
line is:"seven centuries of tears."

Consider changing the comma to a colon as:

living alone:

"all done."

Kudos for your great metaphor:

in red package and bow

A great line of this poem is:

jolly laughter, listening heart

The word "jolly" always sounds so melodious and fanciful to me.I 
frequently incorporate this word into my holiday greeting and did so 
again this year when I created my own Christmas card via 
VistaPrint.Valerie's word choice of "listening heart" tells the reader 
so much about the person for whom the poet mourns.

The stunning ending with:

another "I love you" poem

in this journey of grief

--could serve as a basis for a chapbook, wherein the introduction to 
these poems would elaborate on how writing the poems have been helpful 
to the poet's coping with her "journey of grief."

With its tear-stained stanzas of organized progression and tender 
description, "Seven" is one of the best poems of this type by the 
poet.Hug for the poet who shares such deep feelings in relatively few lines!

3.Abbie:""What's Damaged?"

Rather than relying on the title to support the lines of this poem, I 
suggest that the poet consider revising the initial lines of the 
poem.Perhaps, the poem can begin with a one-word line related to sound, 
such as "Crash!"The second line could note the poet's immediate reaction 
to the sound and lead to the third line, which could be the question as 
displayed in the title.

Place a dash after "next door."

I wonder if the average four-year-old could unbuckle her seat belt, move 
to the front of the car to facilitate the damage, return to her car seat 
and re-buckle the seat belt again in the short time span.If the child 
was larger for her age, she could have had a booster seat.

Instead of "to her grave," I suggest:

Will she carry her secret to old age?

--which seems like a less harsh question.

Although the very young girl is not named, being careful as to where 
this poem is submitted is important, due to all the privacy acts of today.

This poem is a very good glimpse of a moment in time, with an event of 
immediate, and perhaps, long-lasting consequence.

This poem shows that a poem can spring to life from anything--even a 
smashed-in garage door.

5.Brad:"Restoration"

Since the poem seems to focus more on the second cycle of life, a second 
possibility in life--rather than restoring a part of the poet's life--I 
suggest that the writer select another title that better fits this 
intriguing poem.

I agree with Abbie's punctuation revision of the first three lines:

In a faraway place,

in a moment beyond time,

--After ending the first and second lines with commas, the third line 
would end with a period.

I like the great alliterative line:

gently glowing golden sky.

To mark the end of the first of two independent clauses coming together 
in a compound sentence with a conjunction, place a commaas follows:

into each other's eyes,

The poet wrote in a very tight and concise style and must have channeled 
his inner "Valerie technique."

This well-written poem melds together two aspects of the poet's common 
themes.

* * *

What a variety of pieces we had this month!The styles and topics were 
quite intriguingly different.Thanks for sharing your writings and your 
comments!

Looking forward to your pieces for the 27th of November!

Happy writing in November!

Alice(near the time-changing hour)

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

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